Polling suspended as hackers hijack towel vote

Voting in the most fiercely contested poll of the year (Brex who?) has had to be suspended, when the poll was hacked.  IP address searches by our experts tracking the hackers indicate Kinsaleish area involvement.  Known skilled IT types with anti-Myrtlevillian grudges are suspected – primarily Eoin “Flash Trader” O’Riordan.

Right up there on the list of good advice with “never get into a land war in South East Asia” is now “never run an online poll”.  Having possibly encouraged multiple voting in a few polls in the past (thanks for that ILDSA award, by the way), we had expected some attempts at same on this poll and had guarded against it.

The shock came when the poll was hacked and a spurious “third candidate” inserted as an option – Towelly McTowelface.  Here’s the poll online before our crack team of anti-hackers sprang into action and asked someone who knew what they were doing to fix it.  

Hacked poll with spurious third candidate.

Hacked poll with spurious third candidate.

Seriously, though – it’s not even original.   Must try harder, Eoin unidentified hackers. Here’s a close-up of the “candidate”.

Yellow Towel

We are now recounting the thousands of votes cast in the poll, to clarify the voting position prior to the hacking.  Tallymen indicate a blue win, but final results are not yet to hand.  

We will be in a position to report on the result we want – as opposed to the actual result, if necessary – after multiple recounts, analysis of hanging chads and querying of the accuracy of the e-Voting machines.  Sometime in 2017, I’d say.  Maybe.

How to Huub

Some of you may have noticed the appearance of a number of Huub logos around the beach of late.  The Huub Capsule – not to be confused with a wetsuit – is the latest phase in the ongoing race to invent ways to be able to enter the sea, choose a destination and arrive there shortly afterwards with a minimum of effort.

Huubing is significantly different from old-school swimming – but some new Huubers are unaware of this.  It was when I noticed one Huuber in the sea moving his arms and legs that I realised he was unaware of key Huub vs Swim points. Thus, in the inimitable style of LoneSwimmer, I felt a helpful “How To” post on this site might be beneficial. 

The Huub experience begins outside the water, with the Insertion or Injection stage, when the passenger is inserted/injected into the Huub Capsule.  This process is not dissimilar to making sausages or black pudding.  Indeed, the look of the passenger in the Capsule once insertion is completed may bring to mind a large bit of Clonakilty Black.

The Insertion stage often requires assistants.  Teams of trained Inserters are available in Myrtleville – known as Huuber Helpers.  Unlike old-fashioned “wetsuits”, the Huub Capsule wears the passenger, not the other way around.  Thus Insertion / Injection is required, rather than “putting on”.

James Slowey being inserted in his Huub.

James Slowey being inserted into his Huub by the C&G Huuber Helper Insertion Team.   No idea what the gang-rapper hand signals are about.

Kieran Murphy quite enjoying his Insertion, assisted by Breda and overseen by Anne.

Kieran Murphy quite enjoying his Insertion by the AB Huuber Helper team.

Such is the complexity and arduousness of the Insertion stage that delusions of grandeur can overwhelm the Huub Capsule Passenger simply on completion of Insertion.

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

‘I’m Huubed up! Nothing can stop me now.  I look so good I’ll wear it running too – with my laces open – and I won’t trip.’  

Indeed, for some new Huubers, just semi-insertion into the Capsule can lead to overwhelming euphoria.

'Feck the top half - I'll be like a rocket with just my legs in!'

‘Feck the top half – I’ll be like a rocket with just my legs in!’

Once Inserted in the Capsule, the Huuber enters the sea.  This is where the difference between Huubing and Swimming takes over.  In swimming, co-ordinated movement of the arms and legs and engagement of the core are key success factors.  In Huubing, the passenger must do as little as possible to impede the movement of the Huub Capsule through the water.  The only thing that must be engaged is the Capsule’s internal propulsion system, which starts as soon as it gets wet.

Thus, for Huubers, moving your body at all is absolutely frowned upon, apart from occasional breaths and sighting (expensive models have pre-programmable GPS so you can do away with the sighting too).  The Huuber must simply enter into the position shown below with arms extended over their head, point in the right direction and the Huub will do the rest.  

Huub technique demonstrated by the Norseman himself.

Huub positioning – demonstrated by the Norseman himself.

Any extraneous movements by the passenger (previously known as taking swimming strokes) will cause the Capsule to slow down.  So – lie down, reach out and let the Capsule do the work.

It’s too late to work on this required Huub positioning once you enter the sea.  At that point the Capsule will just take off.  Put it in water and it just flies.  If you’re not prepared it can start off and you’ll be thrown off your feet.

An unprepared passenger as the Huub Capsule engaged once it touched water. Note that his left arm positioning is completely wrong for Huubing.

An unprepared passenger as the Huub Capsule engaged once it touched water. Note that his left arm positioning is completely wrong for Huubing.

It’s a good idea to get in a bit of practice on the positioning out of the water, as shown below by a Huuber and his Helper.  Unlike the Insertion Helper, this is a different kind of helper, known as the Hoiker.  Hoikers hoik Huubers up to prepare them for the weightless feeling of doing nothing, which they will encounter once the Capsule hits the water.

A Huuber working on his positioning with a Huuber Hoiker Helper.

A Huuber working on his positioning with a Huuber Hoiker Helper.  Again, work needed on that left arm.

I hope this “How To” has been helpful for current and future Huubers.  Just get yourself inserted and let it rip.  You won’t even break sweat.  

I would also like to point out that – despite what you might think – none of these pictures  were staged for this article (bar one – thanks, Mr. Norseman).  They did all of that stuff themselves in what passes for normality at Myrtleville beach.

Myrtle Freed!! Kidnapper Flees!!

In breaking news, Myrtle Turtle has been released and her – alleged – kidnapper revealed as none other than EOIN LOWRY!!    Sharp-eyed detectives only took a week or so to spot that Ron O’Wiley is, in fact, an anagram of Eoin Lowry and – to be fair – he really didn’t seem too bothered that Myrtle was missing.

Myrtle was found unharmed – but traumatised – at the bottom of Lowry’s gear bag when his van was searched.  No trace has been found of Mr. Lowry.  It appears he had planned his escape and may not be finished yet.  

Contact was made via the Darknet with the following image and disturbing message. 

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

For he that shall walk on the water will triumph over the Naysayers! The struggle goes on! Viva Patso!!  The channel shall be conquered!!! 

Myrtle Turtles Channel Relay team members have appealed for privacy at this difficult time.  (We’re still ringing them every hour or so for a comment, though – can’t keep the meedja down).

Myrtle Kidnap latest – it’s Patso, says O’Wiley!!

In overnight developments, investigating officers say they are close to breaking the case and releasing Myrtle.  The noose is closing on the kidnapper, Ron O’Wiley.  

In an increasingly desperate manoeuvre, O’Wiley has thrown caution to the winds and released pictures directly threatening his captive while trying to implicate Patso in the crime!  Stay tuned!!!

Time running out for Myrtle - appoint Patso now, or she gets it!!

Picture received from O’Wiley with the chilling message: Time running out for Myrtle – appoint Patso now, or she gets it!!

Myrtle Kidnap – Shock Latest Update!

As officers continue to hunt for the missing mascot we can today EXCLUSIVELY!!!  reveal that Myrtle has, in fact, been KIDNAPPED!!!! (That one deserved four exclamation marks, Ed.).

A demand received overnight by this office, purporting to come from Mr. Ron O’Wiley (the “photographer” at the centre of the search) cast this situation into a chilling light.  The kidnap has now been conclusively linked to the Patso vs. Myrtle confrontation, but nobody could have foreseen this level of escalation.

We appeal to both sides of this conflict to come together and settle the matter peacefully, with the immediate release of Myrtle.  (However, if you choose not to settle it, then keep sending us the pics etc. so we can keep the readership up. Sound.  Ed.)

Reached for comment, Myrtle Turtles team member and Patso supporter, Mr. Eoin Lowry, stated, “Obviously it’s just awful.  Terrible.  I’m gutted.  Lucky we’ve got Patso to step in anyway.  Ah sure, what can you do?  Sad alright, though.  Yeah.  Sad.  Handy for Patso, though.  Just saying, like.”

Missing Myrtle!

In a shock announcement, law enforcement agencies have released a statement advising that the mascot for the Myrtle Turtles Swim team, Myrtle the Turtle, is missing.

Last seen on January 19th, the well-known socialite and high-profile mascot did not return from a planned photo-shoot, booked by a Mr. Ron O’Wiley.  Investigating officers are anxious to trace Mr. O’Wiley, to eliminate him from their enquiries.

Anyone with information, please contact THIS SITE!!! TELL US FIRST!!!  After that, let the police know – if you want.  Whatever suits you, like.  Just make sure we know.

Last seen wearing - Myrtle.

Last seen wearing – Myrtle.

Ms. Myrtle has been in the news of late at the centre of a protracted dispute with another socialite mascot, Patso Lowry.  Representatives of the Myrtle Turtles Channel Relay Team were not available for comment as we went to Press.

Turtle Ultimatum

Unfortunately – but EXCLUSIVELY!!! – this column can reveal that any semblance of peace in the Myrtle Turtles Channel Relay camp has been shattered.  While Talks about Talks regarding the Patso and Myrtle mascot situation were ongoing in Farranree, the stakes were suddenly raised by the master of brinkmanship, Mr. Eoin Lowry.

Some uninformed observers assumed that while the exploratory talks were ongoing, there would be no more escalations of tension.  They were wrong. After a training swim yesterday, Mr. Lowry announced he couldn’t see why he had to dry his own feet with all the Mnás around and shouldn’t one of them do it for him, like?  If not, he’d have to find more like-minded team-mates, like.  Fellow Turtle, Ms. Sheehy – was shocked.

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

Shocked Ms. Sheehy and the undried Lowry Feet.

Recovering from her shock – Ms. Sheehy sent in the heavy mob.  Don Con “reasoned” with Mr. Lowry – as only he can – and explained exactly what could be done with the Lowry feet.  The confrontation was explosive and strong words were exchanged.

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

Making him an offer he better not refuse – Don Cregan-Condon “reasons” with Mr. Lowry.

Mr. Lowry departed the scene – burning rubber and hitting the road in spots.  He came back for his van later.

Late last evening it became clear that this escalation had been carefully planned.  A PR firm representing Mr. Lowry released staged pictures of him with what are described as potential new team members who are on his wavelength regarding Patso and other key team strategies.

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

Official PR shot of Mr. Eoin Lowry with proposed new Myrtle Turtle team members.

An accompanying document states that if Patso is not declared to be the official team mascot within one week, Mr. Lowry will have no option but to appoint new team members. Failing this, Mr. Lowry states that he “can not be responsible for the consequences”. No further explanation of this statement was forthcoming.

It would appear to this observer that the whole “foot drying” episode is nothing more than a ploy to force the hand of the other Turtles into accepting Patso as mascot.  As ever, further developments will be reported here: FIRST!! and EXCLUSIVELY!! as well.