In breaking news, Myrtle Turtle has been released and her – alleged – kidnapper revealed as none other than EOIN LOWRY!!    Sharp-eyed detectives only took a week or so to spot that Ron O’Wiley is, in fact, an anagram of Eoin Lowry and – to be fair – he really didn’t seem too bothered that Myrtle was missing.

Myrtle was found unharmed – but traumatised – at the bottom of Lowry’s gear bag when his van was searched.  No trace has been found of Mr. Lowry.  It appears he had planned his escape and may not be finished yet.  

Contact was made via the Darknet with the following image and disturbing message. 

For he that shall walk on the water will triumph over the Naysayers! The struggle goes on! Viva Patso!!  The channel shall be conquered!!! 

Myrtle Turtles Channel Relay team members have appealed for privacy at this difficult time.  (We’re still ringing them every hour or so for a comment, though – can’t keep the meedja down).

Unfortunately – but EXCLUSIVELY!!! – this column can reveal that any semblance of peace in the Myrtle Turtles Channel Relay camp has been shattered.  While Talks about Talks regarding the Patso and Myrtle mascot situation were ongoing in Farranree, the stakes were suddenly raised by the master of brinkmanship, Mr. Eoin Lowry.

Some uninformed observers assumed that while the exploratory talks were ongoing, there would be no more escalations of tension.  They were wrong. After a training swim yesterday, Mr. Lowry announced he couldn’t see why he had to dry his own feet with all the Mnás around and shouldn’t one of them do it for him, like?  If not, he’d have to find more like-minded team-mates, like.  Fellow Turtle, Ms. Sheehy – was shocked.

Shocked Ms. Sheehy and the undried Lowry Feet.

Recovering from her shock – Ms. Sheehy sent in the heavy mob.  Don Con “reasoned” with Mr. Lowry – as only he can – and explained exactly what could be done with the Lowry feet.  The confrontation was explosive and strong words were exchanged.

Making him an offer he better not refuse – Don Cregan-Condon “reasons” with Mr. Lowry.

Mr. Lowry departed the scene – burning rubber and hitting the road in spots.  He came back for his van later.

Late last evening it became clear that this escalation had been carefully planned.  A PR firm representing Mr. Lowry released staged pictures of him with what are described as potential new team members who are on his wavelength regarding Patso and other key team strategies.

Official PR shot of Mr. Eoin Lowry with proposed new Myrtle Turtle team members.

An accompanying document states that if Patso is not declared to be the official team mascot within one week, Mr. Lowry will have no option but to appoint new team members. Failing this, Mr. Lowry states that he “can not be responsible for the consequences”. No further explanation of this statement was forthcoming.

It would appear to this observer that the whole “foot drying” episode is nothing more than a ploy to force the hand of the other Turtles into accepting Patso as mascot.  As ever, further developments will be reported here: FIRST!! and EXCLUSIVELY!! as well.