Myrtle Freed!! Kidnapper Flees!!

In breaking news, Myrtle Turtle has been released and her – alleged – kidnapper revealed as none other than EOIN LOWRY!!    Sharp-eyed detectives only took a week or so to spot that Ron O’Wiley is, in fact, an anagram of Eoin Lowry and – to be fair – he really didn’t seem too bothered that Myrtle was missing.

Myrtle was found unharmed – but traumatised – at the bottom of Lowry’s gear bag when his van was searched.  No trace has been found of Mr. Lowry.  It appears he had planned his escape and may not be finished yet.  

Contact was made via the Darknet with the following image and disturbing message. 

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

For he that shall walk on the water will triumph over the Naysayers! The struggle goes on! Viva Patso!!  The channel shall be conquered!!! 

Myrtle Turtles Channel Relay team members have appealed for privacy at this difficult time.  (We’re still ringing them every hour or so for a comment, though – can’t keep the meedja down).

Myrtle Kidnap latest – it’s Patso, says O’Wiley!!

In overnight developments, investigating officers say they are close to breaking the case and releasing Myrtle.  The noose is closing on the kidnapper, Ron O’Wiley.  

In an increasingly desperate manoeuvre, O’Wiley has thrown caution to the winds and released pictures directly threatening his captive while trying to implicate Patso in the crime!  Stay tuned!!!

Time running out for Myrtle - appoint Patso now, or she gets it!!

Picture received from O’Wiley with the chilling message: Time running out for Myrtle – appoint Patso now, or she gets it!!

Myrtle Kidnap – Shock Latest Update!

As officers continue to hunt for the missing mascot we can today EXCLUSIVELY!!!  reveal that Myrtle has, in fact, been KIDNAPPED!!!! (That one deserved four exclamation marks, Ed.).

A demand received overnight by this office, purporting to come from Mr. Ron O’Wiley (the “photographer” at the centre of the search) cast this situation into a chilling light.  The kidnap has now been conclusively linked to the Patso vs. Myrtle confrontation, but nobody could have foreseen this level of escalation.

We appeal to both sides of this conflict to come together and settle the matter peacefully, with the immediate release of Myrtle.  (However, if you choose not to settle it, then keep sending us the pics etc. so we can keep the readership up. Sound.  Ed.)

Reached for comment, Myrtle Turtles team member and Patso supporter, Mr. Eoin Lowry, stated, “Obviously it’s just awful.  Terrible.  I’m gutted.  Lucky we’ve got Patso to step in anyway.  Ah sure, what can you do?  Sad alright, though.  Yeah.  Sad.  Handy for Patso, though.  Just saying, like.”

Missing Myrtle!

In a shock announcement, law enforcement agencies have released a statement advising that the mascot for the Myrtle Turtles Swim team, Myrtle the Turtle, is missing.

Last seen on January 19th, the well-known socialite and high-profile mascot did not return from a planned photo-shoot, booked by a Mr. Ron O’Wiley.  Investigating officers are anxious to trace Mr. O’Wiley, to eliminate him from their enquiries.

Anyone with information, please contact THIS SITE!!! TELL US FIRST!!!  After that, let the police know – if you want.  Whatever suits you, like.  Just make sure we know.

Last seen wearing - Myrtle.

Last seen wearing – Myrtle.

Ms. Myrtle has been in the news of late at the centre of a protracted dispute with another socialite mascot, Patso Lowry.  Representatives of the Myrtle Turtles Channel Relay Team were not available for comment as we went to Press.

A porn site – again!

There have been several reports in the news lately of some Cork girls having their pictures stolen online and included in a porn site.  Nasty stuff.  Of course, there’s always some guys who see a different angle on a story like this.  Imagine my surprise when I saw visitors arriving to this site using the following search term: “What is the Cork porn site?”.  

The lucky searchers found our site – with acres of rubber and flesh on view – because of this particular post from April last year:

So, if you’re still searching lads – welcome back!!  Fill your boots.  Here’s a good one to start ye off and get the pulses racing.

Turtle Ultimatum

Unfortunately – but EXCLUSIVELY!!! – this column can reveal that any semblance of peace in the Myrtle Turtles Channel Relay camp has been shattered.  While Talks about Talks regarding the Patso and Myrtle mascot situation were ongoing in Farranree, the stakes were suddenly raised by the master of brinkmanship, Mr. Eoin Lowry.

Some uninformed observers assumed that while the exploratory talks were ongoing, there would be no more escalations of tension.  They were wrong. After a training swim yesterday, Mr. Lowry announced he couldn’t see why he had to dry his own feet with all the Mnás around and shouldn’t one of them do it for him, like?  If not, he’d have to find more like-minded team-mates, like.  Fellow Turtle, Ms. Sheehy – was shocked.

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

Shocked Ms. Sheehy and the undried Lowry Feet.

Recovering from her shock – Ms. Sheehy sent in the heavy mob.  Don Con “reasoned” with Mr. Lowry – as only he can – and explained exactly what could be done with the Lowry feet.  The confrontation was explosive and strong words were exchanged.

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

Making him an offer he better not refuse – Don Cregan-Condon “reasons” with Mr. Lowry.

Mr. Lowry departed the scene – burning rubber and hitting the road in spots.  He came back for his van later.

Late last evening it became clear that this escalation had been carefully planned.  A PR firm representing Mr. Lowry released staged pictures of him with what are described as potential new team members who are on his wavelength regarding Patso and other key team strategies.

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

Official PR shot of Mr. Eoin Lowry with proposed new Myrtle Turtle team members.

An accompanying document states that if Patso is not declared to be the official team mascot within one week, Mr. Lowry will have no option but to appoint new team members. Failing this, Mr. Lowry states that he “can not be responsible for the consequences”. No further explanation of this statement was forthcoming.

It would appear to this observer that the whole “foot drying” episode is nothing more than a ploy to force the hand of the other Turtles into accepting Patso as mascot.  As ever, further developments will be reported here: FIRST!! and EXCLUSIVELY!! as well.

Surf-fur Parkas and Hoodies

A few cold people have been asking those of us stylishly attired in our Surf-fur parkas where to get them.  Since there isn’t a local stockist, they have to be ordered online (note: business opportunity for Jellyfish or The Edge!) .


The owner of Surf-Fur, Zenon Issel, was in touch via LoneSwimmer.  They have discounted pricing for orders of five or more.  I’ve already got mine, but I’ll be happy to co-ordinate an order if people want to contact me.

5 – 10 pieces 11-18 pieces 19 Plus
Waterparka $120 $115 $110 (Retail is $139)
Surfcheck Hoodie $70 $65 $60 (Retail is $80)
Slicker  $55 $50 $47   (Retail is $75)

XXL and XXXL Waterparkas are an additional $20 each.  

Shipping cost is $25 per item.

Details on all the products are online here.

I love mine, both the parka and the hoodie – my best buy in a long time!


The Mnás strike back

Following his not-very-well-received – or advised – comments of recent times, Denis Cregan-Condon has now been sent to Coventry (as opposed to Barnsley, where Daniel has gone into hiding) and told to swim on his own, in a mná-free zone.

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

One man and his sea – Cakeless Cregan-Condon heads off this morning.

Of course anything some fictional Polish wans can do, our Myrtlevillian Mná can do better – look what Denis missed when he went out to sea.  Baywatch how are ya?!

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

Casting session for the new Baywatch in Myrtleville – when Denis’ back was turned, look what he missed!

Hell hath no fury like a mná scorned, Denis.

Baywatch in Myrtleville

Denis Cregan-Condon and his sidekick, Danny Barnsley, have been full of the joys of life in the last few days, as they’re joined – allegedly – by two new Polish swimming friends.

“They puts our Mnás to shame”, said an obviously-tired-of-life, Cregan-Condon.  We’ll leave Ms. Sheehy and others to deal with him for that one.

“Phhwoaahhrrr, like Baywatch it were”, opined Daniel in agreement. “You don’t get that ’round the River Dearne, down Barnsley way”.

By way of proof of the inimitable beauty of these foreign visitors, these frolicking pictures have been posted online by the two happy men. No expense has been spared – clearly – in getting the best of camera gear and photographers to record the event.  You can see from the pictures that there seem to be people in them.


Given that many people think it’s actually impossible to swim in Myrtleville without having your picture taken by a top-quality professional, it’s disappointing this momentous event –  which gave such pleasure to two men of a certain age – wasn’t captured better.

Fortunately, a bit of online searching found the profiles of the two young Polish ladies and their picture of Denny and Danny – or maybe it’s just how the two girls saw them.

images (5)

Looking forward to more pictures when the girls come back and also to seeing how Denis gets out of this one.