It has been noted by a small picky, picky, picky few of the thousands of satisfied buoy-lappers that the underside or nether regions of the new buoys are not as sparkly clean as when they were first installed. These dirty bottoms are, apparently, causing a degree of discomfort for these picky (×3) swimmers. They (the picky ones) feel that the entirely natural and expected build up of weed and – dare one say – slime on the underside of the buoys is lowering the tone of the Myrtleville experience on their Insta stories.  

One of the offending dirty-bottomed-buoys.  Thanks, Siobhan 🙂

Never fear, Myrtlevillians.  Today, we are delighted to announce that qualms and concerns regarding the buoys are being addressed – under the command of Lieutenant Commander James Shalloo (Ret’d).  

Cap’n Jim (that other rank stuff is way too long to keep typing) is establishing a roster for pair of crack teams to be known as the SAS. That’s Swabbers And Scrubbers, obvs. 

Contacted for details, Cap’n Jim was fierce nauticalish altogether about his plans. 

“Avast ye”, says he. “This scuttlebutt about seaweed and barnacles wouldn’t have happened on my ship. We’ll enlist two crews – Shanghai them if we have to – and get those buoys shipshape and Bristol fashion twice a week. Swabbers on Monday and Scrubbers on Thursday. There’ll be no swinging the lead either. Not on my watch.”

He really knows Navy talk, does Cap’n Jim.  He also plans to spare no expense in equipping the crews – or at least in equipping himself to inspect their work.  He has demanded funds for this inspection craft.  The Committee for How to say Feck Off without hurting feelings is considering it.

Anyway, all volunteers are to sign up for duty on www.swabscrub.jim and they will be duly assigned their roles as either a swabber or scrubber.  If he likes the cut of your jib, Cap’n Jim might even let you pick which you are. 

Form an orderly queue and let’s get the asses of these buoys looking good for the Gram, peeps. 

It is with great sadness that the Sanctions Committee of the Dutchman Swimming Association must report on a recently uncovered cheating scandal, which strikes at the heart of all for which the DSA stands. 

As many of you will know, the DSA has strongly supported the – pretty useless – efforts of Mr. Bernie Lynch to swim around our beloved rocks in some kind of a semblance of a straight line.  Years we’ve been supporting him – years.  Here’s an example of the kind of half-assed attempt we’ve had to put up with while still sounding supportive over the years.  Seriously?Despite the embarrassing routinely-submitted evidence of failure, the DSA continued with unflagging support because – sure God help us – we love a trier.  And Bernie?  Sure, Bernie’s a grand fella.  Straight out.  Honest as the day is long.  We thought.

In a shocking turn of events, an anonymous whistle-blower submitted evidence to the DSA that Mr. Lynch was, in fact, WEARING TWO HATS!!!!  This is in direct contravention of rule 74b, subsection 11 which states that one hat only (or none, if you’re Mr. Finbarr) can be worn in all officially-sanctioned Dutchman laps. The evidence was clear – even when hidden under some kind of a pink thing:

An emergency meeting of the Sanctions Committee was called and Mr. Lynch invited to repudiate the allegations.  “Say it ain’t so, Bernie, say it ain’t so”, said the members.  What followed was as blatant an implementation of the Four Ds as you’ll ever see.  Trump would have been only trotting after him.

Dismiss:  “Yerrah what feckin two hats?  Wha?  Me?  Two hats?  Speedo bubble hat? Shag off out of that.  Those bumps under my hat? They’re cornrows – dreadlocks, whatever you call them, like.  Sure I have to tie up my hair some kind of a way”.

Committee: “But Mr. Lynch, we have the pictures”.

Distract: “Pictures?  From that anonymous tout?  Adrian Healy, I’d say.  Him??  Sure he was head to toe in rubber.    A wetsuit, lah.  And he’s calling me for two hats?  What about him?  Wha?  Wha? You’re listening to him?  FFS.”

Committee: “The identity of the anonymous whistle-blower is not relevant.  Anyway, Adrian will be back in togs soon, he was only wearing the suit the one day and he wasn’t trying to submit an official lap claim.  You were.

Distort: “Who said?  Maybe I wasn’t going to submit a claim that day.  Maybe I thought the lines were a bit too bendy.  The rules are all wrong anyway,  Who decides what’s bendy and isn’t?  Who, like?  You?  You? When’s the last time you swam a lap?  And yer man there uses fins.  Feckin one-armed bandit.  Who’s he to say if my lines are bendy?  Anyway, that was a special cold hat.  To make my head colder.  For extra effort, like.

(This went on for quite some time.  The range of counter-allegations and digressions would have done Michael Lowry proud, not to mind Trump).

Committee:  Regardless of all that.  The evidence is clear and sanctions are merited.

(Note: The committee chairman got a book for Christmas of “Fancy things to say at a meeting to sound like you know what you’re doing” by Frank Murphy. It’s very good.  It’s allowing him to replace previous ripostes like “g’wan ya langer” with stuff like “clear” and “merited”.  Fancy, like.)

Dismay: “I don’t believe this.  This is crap.  I’ll leave.  I’ll become a Slapper (Sandycove lapper – obvs).  They’ll accept any ould lap down there, wearing anything. They’d even give ya feckin hats for a lap.  I’ll leave AND I’LL TAKE THE SHAGGIN’ BUOYS WITH ME!!!!”

It’s fair to say that as Mr. Lynch completed his classic implementation of the fourth D, the meeting disintegrated somewhat and the book of fancy things to say went out the window.  G’wan ya langer, echoed loud and clear.

Further meetings may be required.  For now, Mr. Lynch is suspended and if anyone sees him with a load of buoys in a trailer headed for Kinsale- slash his tyres.

The fantastic new safety buoys (thanks #healthyireland 🙂 ) are in considerable and consistent use.  A number of swimmers have asked if there will be a lap-counting system, similar to that practiced in other, less popular swim venues – where it’s important to numerically note anyone swimming there since, as they say, what’s seldom is wonderful.  

This is obviously a serious matter so it was felt we should respond like a proper club, for once. The lappy-hat situation was referred to Central Council level. After much deliberation the Central Council referred the matter to the Joint Committee, who referred it to a Strategic Policy Panel, who established a Working Group, who recommended the issue be considered by a new committee, the Committee Of Dedicated Swimmers Who Absolutely Love Lapping Or Pontificating (CODSWALLOP Committee, for short).  CODSWALLOP have now duly pontificated. 

“We in Myrtleville have often said that our swimmers are more than just numbers.  We would not dream of reducing their achievements to mere figures.  On this point, we were also unable to determine how to answer the very reasonable question from D. Condon about what he would do once he ran out of fingers, like. Numbers were therefore out.

However, due to demand, there will still, indeed, be a recognition system for laps achieved in Myrtleville.”

The system will operate under three levels, will be self-regulated and only vaguely numerical.  It’s more of a feeling thing.  The levels are as follows:

1. Rakes Of Feckin’ Laps (ROFL Level)

This is the entry level achievement and is expected to be the most popular.  Swimmers will be entitled to wear this hat once they’ve gone for a few swims and feel they know the buoys well (“dere’s six of dem, like.  Yellow ones.”).  The ROFL hat is for anyone who feels justified in answering “rakes of dem” when asked if they are doing many laps these days.  This could be two laps for some or a hundred and six for others.  Really – who cares?  You want ROFL hat?  Have a ROFL hat.  If you want, we’ll have a presentation ceremony.  Rob Bohane is available for that kind of thing.  Whatever, like.

2. Laps – Many And Ongoing (LMAO Level)

This is a level for all regular swimmers. If you’re out there and going around lappishly, award yourself a LMAO hat.  Soon all your friends will want one.  It’s above the ROFL because of its connotation of all-year round swimming and “dere’s no stoppin me, like” charisma.  If you’re a LMAO guy or gal – wear a LMAO hat.

3. Langerload Of Laps (LOL Level)

This is the pinnacle of achievement in Myrtleville.  We really don’t expect to see many of these hats, or at least not for a few years.  You’d want to be out there a lot to justify a LOL, like.  They’ll stand out from the crowd, the LOLs.  “Look, he’s a LOL, lah. Look, lah.  A LOL”.  That’s what the awestruck other swimmers will say when they see a langer in a LOL hat, like.  We’ll wait to see who comes out of the pack to justify a LOL for themselves. 

How to get a relevant hat:

Once you feel you have achieved the level required to wear the relevant hat, here’s what you do.  Get either a blank hat or one you can turn inside out.  For demonstration purposes, we’re using one Bernie Lynch gave us after some ould swim he did in 2016.  You’ll also need a permanent marker – any colour you like.  No restrictions on your creativity.  Your workspace should look like this:

Then, make your hat.  Here’s a sample with fancy wave motify things (yes, that’s what they are) – but don’t be restrained.  Make yours as unique as you like.  Then, wear it with pride.

Just to be a bit motivational, we also did one for LOLs.  Aim for it.  Push yourself.  You know you can do a langerload of laps.  When you do – wear that hat.  You are a LOL.  Definitely worth an exclamation mark, a LOL.

Be sure to send in pictures of yourselves in your new hats as you work through the levels.  You know we’d all just love to see them.