Murphy Victory Press Conference

Fresh from his success in the Nude Calendar Vote, Mr. Kieran Murphy held a lunchtime press conference which has just concluded.  

He thanked his “many, many, most tremendous, greatest number ever, more voters than anyone else ever had” supporters and offered a machine gun to his fellow candidates.  An olive branch had been expected, but Mr. Murphy is taking a leaf from other recently successful candidates, so a machine gun it was.

Mr. Murphy at his meedja outing, with some fella from Mayo trying to bask in the reflected glory.

Mr. Murphy at his meedja outing, with some fella from Mayo trying to bask in the reflected glory.

Mr. Murphy was all-encompassing in his comments for his fellow candidates.  In other words, he dissed them all.

Some highlights:  “All of those losers can learn from me.  I’m the man.  Wait’ll they see my tremendous ass….ets.  Condon?  Yesterday’s news.  His shower business is down the tubes and now modelling’s out too.  Hallissey?  He might as well stay up there in that North Cork-Korea lake.  There’s nothing for him in the sea, where the action is.  Kiely?  Not even the feds could save his campaign. Shalloo?   He might be fast but where’s his numbers?  Frost?  Now, Frost was clever.   Going for that last place to force a win based on US election rules.  That might have worked.  I’ve got some respect for that guy.  The LOSER!!  Yes, Yes, I’m tremendous.”

However, Mr. Muphy did eventually make an offer to warm the hearts (and freeze the backsides) of his opponents.

“I’m a tremendously fair guy.  The fairest guy in the world.  The numbers show I’m fairer than anyone else who ever won a nude calendar model vote on Myrtleville Swimmers.  I’m willing to let all of those losers – sorry, I mean, tremendous, wonderful candidates – come along to my unveiling at 8.30am on Saturday morning in Fennell’s Bay.  I make this tremendous offer in a spirit of peace and hairyness.  It’ll be a sight to sea.  They can all join in too.  I’m in front, though.”

Joyous and bountiful are the tidings of the appointment of Chairman Irwin.

News has reached Myrtleville that our old friend, Fast Eddie Irwin, has been appointed to a position of Supreme Leader (AKA Chairman) in Sunday’s Well SC.  Henceforth, all references to his eminence in these pages shall conform to the title of “Chairman Irwin” and be dutiful in their respectful commentary of his reign.  All Hail!!

Draft text of a statement which might be issued by the Grand Council Of The Presidium Of The Supreme SWSC, joyfully sharing the news of the appointment.

To ensure the club can make a higher leap full of great ambition and confidence and usher in a Great Heyday of Swimming Full of Confidence in Victory, the Presidium today joyously confirms the elevation to the post of Chairman of his supreme eminence, Eddie Irwin, hereinafter referred to as Chairman Irwin.

Suddenly, the whole club is engulfed with happiness and the members endlessly inspired.  We await Chairman Irwin’s munificent guidance to bring about a decisive turn in the improvement of the members’ standard of swimming and the building of a great, prosperous and powerful club by accelerating the development of swimming for members once again this year.***

*** Adapted with remarkable ease and surprisingly minimal wording changes from actual announcements by North Korea related to their own Great Leader.

Pictures have emerged online of Chairman Irwin springing into vigorous action to determine new locations for incentivised outdoor activity by members.  Shown below, he toured what may have been the previously mentioned “fresh water” camps of North Cork-Korea.

Chairman Irwin scouting locations.

Chairman Irwin scouting locations.

He also took time to consider new indoor facilities for his beloved people / members. (Note: facilities shown are actually for the use of the Chairman only).

Chairman Irwin - pretty feckin' happy with the new setup.

Chairman Irwin – pretty feckin’ happy with the new setup in his section of Douglas pool.

Finally, a picture shows the Chairman’s delight as his diligent and selfless toil to find ways to incentivise swimmers bears fruit.  These incentivisers are expected to increase speeds considerably when introduced to club sessions.

Chairman Irwin with his new incentivisers for the great leap forward to swim speed glory.

Chairman Irwin with his new incentivisers for the great leap forward to swim speed glory.

We await with boundless happiness developments from the reign of the Chairman, joyously supported by his Comrades – Francisco & Bernardo Lynch et al.  All Hail!!

Galway Girls – ready to go!

Brenda Sisk and Marie Watson have left no stone unturned in their preparations for the Galway Bay swim next Saturday.  While many of us have seen their efforts in the pool and sea right through last Winter, there’s more than just training needed to make a swim – and swimmer – successful.  Thankfully, the Galway Girls seem to have it all in hand.

They’ve got the promotional posters and star paparazzi to record the events.


They’ve got the nails painted aerodynamically and also to look good for the aforementioned paparazzi person.

Marie Watson - attention to detail is admirable.

Marie Watson – attention to detail is admirable.

They’ve had a kiss for good luck from the main man, Mr. Redmond (Brenda has to share it – Marie grabbed it).


Finally, they’ve recognised the risk that their spirits may flag in mid-swim, so they’ve employed the services of Ann “The Dominator Motivator” Smyth as crew.

I'd keep swimming if I was ye, girls. Ann Smyth as boat crew...

I’d keep swimming if I was ye, girls. Ann Smyth as boat crew…

Barbara Anne Richardson and Brendan O’Brien are going for the swim on Saturday too – but I didn’t have incriminating photos of them, so they’ll have to make do with “Good Luck!!”.  Good luck to all four, in fact 🙂

Swim Dilemmas & the Soccer Investor

The following series of texts occurred after the Irish match on Monday:

FH to DON: What time is the swim on Saturday?

DON: 3pm.  Your absence will not be accepted.

FH: The soccer is on….

DON: The what?  The what???? Use Sky+.

FH: I feel kinda invested in it now that I watched the first game.

DON: Yes and you’ve nothing invested in swimming, of course.  I will pillory you from a height on the website if you miss the swim for soccer.   I will also tell Donal Buckley and set him on you.

There was no reply……

So, as you can see, threats against Mr. Finbarr were issued.  This article is to apologise for those threats.  Little did I know just how invested in soccer he really is.  I googled “What the f*@k does Mr. Finbarr know about soccer?” and was amazed to find several examples of the Hedderman soccer investiture.

There was Finbarr at a post-match press conference on Monday with his buddy, Martin:What the f*@k does Mr. Finbarr know about soccer?

Unfortunately, there were some signs of strife in the camp when Roy was asked about the postponement at a later conference.  Apparently there’s some bad blood between Roy and our hero, due to Finbarr’s insistence that Roy call him Mister.What the f*@k does Mr. Finbarr know about soccer?

There was an old shot of Finbarr with his Three Amigos.What the f*@k does Mr. Finbarr know about soccer?

And there was even one of Mr. Finbarr and Roy in happier times when they used to swim together.  Roy’s an awful man for falling out with fellas.  You can see he was starting to get a bit thick with Finbarr in this one.  He also quite fancied the look of Finbarr’s beard, I’d say – put a thought in his head about his own hirsuteness.What the f*@k does Mr. Finbarr know about soccer?

Even with all this evidence connecting him to soccer, I couldn’t begin to post the millions of pictures connecting Mr. Finbarr to swimming that are to be found on the web.  So, soccer or no soccer.  Match or no match. Invested or not invested – get entered now on Active.  

See you on Saturday – and I’m talking to YOU, Mr. Finbarr.

Waiting for Eoin(ot)

Waiting for Godot (/ˈɡɒd/ GOD-oh[1]) is an absurdist play by Samuel Beckett, in which two characters, Vladimir and Estragon, wait endlessly and in vain for the arrival of someone named Godot.

How’s that for a fancy first line?  I copied it from Wikipedia.

Whatever about Godot, Mná na Myrtleville do not wait in vain for their Eoin(ot).

According to Denis unnamed reliable sources, on swim days now it’s all “Oh no, I won’t swim now, I’m waiting for Eoinot” and “Oh no,  I don’t want to swim with you, Denis unnamed person – I’m going to the Dutchman with Eoinot”.

Then it’s, “Thanks, Eoinot” and “You’re great, Eoinot” and “Have another bun, Eoinot.”  It’s enough to make Denis unnamed persons sick, they say.

“Fjlkin Eoinot this and Eoinot that – it’s all about Eoinot,” said a not-at-all-bitter unnamed person in Myrtleville on Sunday. “Not swimming with you, oh no, with Eoin, not you, oh no – Eoin”, he says that they say.  Poor unnamed person gets a tough time from the Mnás.

And as for Eoin(ot) – how does he get away with it?

Waiting for Eoinot - Myrtleville Style.

Waiting for Eoinot – Myrtleville Style.

Ros Turtle Departure – the Inside Story

The shock departure of Ros O’Brien from the Myrtle Turtles channel relay team was skillfully handled by their PR gurus.  Announced late at night on March 1st and portrayed as an amicable split, it has taken considerable effort to unearth the true story – but our intrepid reporters have done it.

As many suspected, the ongoing troubles stemmed from further shenanigans by Eoin Lowry.  His proposal to change the team name to Lowry & The Lasses was the last straw for Ros.  Potentially photoshopped pictures submitted by Mr. Lowry to support his claim that he had the ability to bring “star” supporters to the team if the name was changed only inflamed the situation.

Sibling rivalry

Ms. O’Brien was unavailable for on-the-record comment regarding her departure. (Off-the-record, friends of people who may know Ms. O’Brien’s friends or neighbours said she may possibly have said:  “Yer man’s a total header – seriously.  Once I saw the picture, I was out of there.”).  

The remaining non-Lowry members of the team are soldiering on with the four-person relay (one Lowry and three Lasses).  Our thoughts are with them.  We await – with trepidation – further developments.  

A gathering of the team is planned for today, St. Patrick’s Day.  What could possibly go wrong?

Myrtle Kidnap latest – it’s Patso, says O’Wiley!!

In overnight developments, investigating officers say they are close to breaking the case and releasing Myrtle.  The noose is closing on the kidnapper, Ron O’Wiley.  

In an increasingly desperate manoeuvre, O’Wiley has thrown caution to the winds and released pictures directly threatening his captive while trying to implicate Patso in the crime!  Stay tuned!!!

Time running out for Myrtle - appoint Patso now, or she gets it!!

Picture received from O’Wiley with the chilling message: Time running out for Myrtle – appoint Patso now, or she gets it!!

Myrtle Kidnap – Shock Latest Update!

As officers continue to hunt for the missing mascot we can today EXCLUSIVELY!!!  reveal that Myrtle has, in fact, been KIDNAPPED!!!! (That one deserved four exclamation marks, Ed.).

A demand received overnight by this office, purporting to come from Mr. Ron O’Wiley (the “photographer” at the centre of the search) cast this situation into a chilling light.  The kidnap has now been conclusively linked to the Patso vs. Myrtle confrontation, but nobody could have foreseen this level of escalation.

We appeal to both sides of this conflict to come together and settle the matter peacefully, with the immediate release of Myrtle.  (However, if you choose not to settle it, then keep sending us the pics etc. so we can keep the readership up. Sound.  Ed.)

Reached for comment, Myrtle Turtles team member and Patso supporter, Mr. Eoin Lowry, stated, “Obviously it’s just awful.  Terrible.  I’m gutted.  Lucky we’ve got Patso to step in anyway.  Ah sure, what can you do?  Sad alright, though.  Yeah.  Sad.  Handy for Patso, though.  Just saying, like.”

Missing Myrtle!

In a shock announcement, law enforcement agencies have released a statement advising that the mascot for the Myrtle Turtles Swim team, Myrtle the Turtle, is missing.

Last seen on January 19th, the well-known socialite and high-profile mascot did not return from a planned photo-shoot, booked by a Mr. Ron O’Wiley.  Investigating officers are anxious to trace Mr. O’Wiley, to eliminate him from their enquiries.

Anyone with information, please contact THIS SITE!!! TELL US FIRST!!!  After that, let the police know – if you want.  Whatever suits you, like.  Just make sure we know.

Last seen wearing - Myrtle.

Last seen wearing – Myrtle.

Ms. Myrtle has been in the news of late at the centre of a protracted dispute with another socialite mascot, Patso Lowry.  Representatives of the Myrtle Turtles Channel Relay Team were not available for comment as we went to Press.