In response to a number of enquiries – NO, you can not just give your entry to a friend and we can not facilitate transfers. There is a good reason we ask for an emergency contact on each entry. Think about the consequences if the wrong contact details are on our records in the event of an emergency.

Please, people, you will be donating €20 to the RNLI by cancelling your entry if you are unable to attend. A fake transfer to your buddy is not the way to go. Don’t have a situation where you arrive at the registration desk and use someone else’s name to get a timing chip. Really? For €20?

If you are determined to be involved on the night and don’t have an entry we really need more volunteers to help. Get involved that way.

As the forecast is so poor, tomorrow evening’s session is postponed. Eilis Burns will be setting a different date for this and will need volunteers whenever that is. Stay tuned!

It had to come. With more people going to Myrtleville for a daily swim than you’d see at some inter-county matches, the hawkers were bound to turn up. “Hats, flags, scarves and headbands!! Quality here!! Last few choc ices!!”. We’re all used to it in Thurles etc., it was only a matter of time before they followed the crowds. They’re fierce adaptable too, the hawkers. They suss out the market and have the right gear to sell.

Casual traders, as they’re officially known. Under the Casual Trading Act 1995, a casual trading licence is a requirement to sell goods on the public road. It is an offence under this Act to trade without a valid casual trading licence.

Can ye see it? The loophole? The giant gap that Del Girl Staunton has leapt through? “…..public ROAD”. “Oh no, Guard, of course we’re not selling goods on the road. We’re on the beach.” “T-SHIRTS!!! GET YER T-SHIRTS!!! QUALITY HERE!!”

FFS, you can’t get down the steps without either being accosted about which colour you want, or having to wait for another photo-shoot of victims making the most of their purchases – or at least checking that what’s in the bag is what they wanted. Don’t be thinking you can bring it back if it’s wrong. As John Sullivan sang in the OFAH theme, “No income tax, no VAT, no money back, no guarantee.”

Some poor fellas thought they were getting their normal sizing (XXL) but wound up showing off their curves a bit more than expected, like. I mean, there’s no way this is XXL, is there? Definitely counterfeit size tagging going on here. (Note: image obfuscated to protect the identity of the victim, who is liaising with Gardai. Also, to hide the fact that it’s Bernard).

Don’t be encouraging this activity at the beach. Down with the hawkers. Watch what you buy! (Is my ink blue one ready, by the way, Siobhan?).

After the visit from Daithi last week, I was sure I was on for a scriptwriter job on the all-new Today with Daithi and Bernie Show, starring our own Bernie Lynch. Unfortunately, it now seems Harry Casey has got in there ahead of me and is writing Rom-Com dramas. His first script is below (published on some misspelled version of this venerable site and – let’s be honest – with a fair bit of plagiarism) and it’s worthy of a reprint here. Fame. At last.

From Harry “watch your back” Casey:

It seemed almost too good to be true. A brave, lone Myrtlevillian embarks on a quest to commune with fame and meets many obstacles in his way, namely some Magnificent Mermaids and Mermen – AKA the other Myrtleville swimmers rudely barging into his photos with Kerry’s finest export (aside from the butter and the horse who went to France). With these images beamed around the world (it’ll be on RTE anyway), Damian O’Neill has been inundated with offers from Hollywood for a film about his experience. The project – with the working title “Swims with Daithí” (like Costner in that wolf thingie years ago) – is being cast (Clint Eastwood is on to play Damian, apparently, but Damian reckons he’s not macho enough) and we hear plans are in place to engage Peter Foott with his local knowledge of filming on the beach for the Young Offenders.

Being the cute hoor that Damian is – in case the movie doesn’t work out – he has trademarked the images below and has plans to set up a stall selling t-shirts and mugs with pictures of said rare images, outside of Bernie’s Siopa in the village on Saturday morning.

So, Damian – enjoy it while it lasts, but keep the day job. This one might go down the tubes yet. You can’t trust those fillum fellas.

*Any similarities between this article and any previously published articles by another author are purely coincidental.

**This article is absolutely not being published in retaliation