RNLI swim – jelly removal

Swimmers have noted an increase in jellyfish activity in the past few days. Investigators have determined that in the absence of rough water for his Distance Camp swimmers, Ned Denison developed a new challenging strategy for them.  In the past few weeks, he has been dumping millions of baby jellies in the waters off Cork – just to watch them grow and then hear the swimmers scream as they plough through them. 

In Myrtleville, the Committee Of What De Feck To Do With De Shaggin’ Jellies (COWDFTDWDSJ) met in emergency session on Sunday night, just after batin’ Clare out de gate in Thurles, minor AND senior (Up the Rebels!).  Various strategies were explored, all of which sounded more and more feasible as the pints mounted up.

In summary, the following was decided:

Get an underwater scoop to lead the swim, bashing jellies aside as we go.  This is it being prepared this morning by Angela Carazza and Siobhan Russell at their dawn swim.  Thanks, ladies.

Further safeguard our swimmers by having the entire route trawled repeatedly by local fishing fleets.  Sample nets are on express order for Thursday.

Finally, in a bid to keep Mr. Denison from advancing his dastardly plot and mining the route with millions more jellies, we are deploying suitable weaponry along the course.

Guaranteed jelly-free swimming in Myrtleville this Thursday night ****  See you there.

****Note, loads and loads of terms and conditions apply.  See small print in white text below, containing so many caveats, you’d think up was down.   “Jelly-free” does not actually mean there will be no jellyfish.  The use of the word “guarantee” in this context is not intended to convey any guarantee that there won’t be jellyfish and, in fact, an absence of jellies is about as likely as Mr. Lynch getting a call up to the Cork team for the semi-final – minor or senior.   In conclusion – UP THE REBELS 🙂

Never give up on your dreams

It’s not just one of those syrupy, Disney-style pieces of advice, it’s true – you should chase your dreams.  Take Gary Frost, for example. Not a lot of people know this (Gary being one of them) but he’s always wanted a career in modelling and he is busy following that dream.  He’s building a portfolio of pictures for his resumé and even hit the USA recently to tout his offerings.  

With the full support of Siobhan Russell (Happy Birthday!) and all of us in Myrtleville, here’s a few examples of Gary’s reach for the stars.  We support you all the way, Gary.

Firstly, one of the original poses – and many would say, still the best.  Cracks me up, every time.  Still no idea what he was doing.Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland

Gary’s modelling focus is on the “man’s man” market.  Here’s a couple of his classic “cowboy needing a horse” or “gimme a guitar and I’ll headbang” straddle-shots.

As mentioned, Gary went Stateside recently to gauge the interest in his burgeoning career and made the time to get a pic taken with a celeb in Alcatraz.  The Hat, of course.  You’d have to wonder what the girl looking over in the background makes of it..

Just last weekend, Gary was showing he still has the legs for the market.  Despite comments from certain parties (ah, Denis, leave him alone) that over-40’s shouldn’t wear shorts, Gary was out and proud (from a knees perspective, we hasten to add).  The guy in the black plastic bag was just there for contrast.

Leaving no stone unturned in his quest, Gary has also begun to replicate famous movie scenes – to showcase his repertoire.  Here he is channeling Tom Hanks in Castaway, going after the fish with just a stick/spear.  You have to admire his dedication.

Keep chasing that dream, Gary.  Dulux could come calling soon for a younger market.  “Invincibles 2 – just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…..”.

New Sign?

An unusual email has been received from a local Sign Writer, asking for confirmation of the order they’ve got, to urgently provide a new sign for the beach in Myrtleville.  They made contact here to confirm if the order is, in fact, in order.

Technically the sign is quite straightforward, with all of the text provided and even a suggested layout, based on a similar famous sign in the Sunny South East.  The sentiments of the proposed new Myrtleville sign are, however, slightly different.


The signwriter says the order came accompanied by cash in a brown envelope and initalled “D. C-C”.  The orderee also said this sign needed to be put in place quickly as, “de teachers are back too – as if dey were ever away”.  

I presume we should just tell them to fire away.  At least the spelling of “Myrtleville” is right on this sign.

Press release from the Secret Six swimmers!

The members of the Secret Six Swimmers have been keeping their preparations very low-profile.  So low-profile, in fact, that many of their fellow swimmers don’t know they are preparing for a big event and those who do “know” are only repeating rumours they heard – mostly spread by Denis.  Unlike the regular updates on the activities of the Myrtle Turtles in 2016, the Six have shunned the limelight, thus far. 

Thankfully, however, they have now issued a press-release so the vacuum of news has been filled.  That’s a relief, as we here at the world’s leading news site for swimmy stuff nobody else has thought up yet, were about to make up something.  Heaven forbid.

Reading the clearly well-thought-out and highly-informative release, it might strike you that the Six aren’t quite prepared to share too much information as yet.  Redactions are as per the provided release, which was dropped in one of our reporters swim bag when he was distracted by cakes down at the beach.


So, now we know.  The Six are just soooo motivating.  Just fab.  Stay tuned. 

Murphy Victory Press Conference

Fresh from his success in the Nude Calendar Vote, Mr. Kieran Murphy held a lunchtime press conference which has just concluded.  

He thanked his “many, many, most tremendous, greatest number ever, more voters than anyone else ever had” supporters and offered a machine gun to his fellow candidates.  An olive branch had been expected, but Mr. Murphy is taking a leaf from other recently successful candidates, so a machine gun it was.

Mr. Murphy at his meedja outing, with some fella from Mayo trying to bask in the reflected glory.

Mr. Murphy at his meedja outing, with some fella from Mayo trying to bask in the reflected glory.

Mr. Murphy was all-encompassing in his comments for his fellow candidates.  In other words, he dissed them all.

Some highlights:  “All of those losers can learn from me.  I’m the man.  Wait’ll they see my tremendous ass….ets.  Condon?  Yesterday’s news.  His shower business is down the tubes and now modelling’s out too.  Hallissey?  He might as well stay up there in that North Cork-Korea lake.  There’s nothing for him in the sea, where the action is.  Kiely?  Not even the feds could save his campaign. Shalloo?   He might be fast but where’s his numbers?  Frost?  Now, Frost was clever.   Going for that last place to force a win based on US election rules.  That might have worked.  I’ve got some respect for that guy.  The LOSER!!  Yes, Yes, I’m tremendous.”

However, Mr. Muphy did eventually make an offer to warm the hearts (and freeze the backsides) of his opponents.

“I’m a tremendously fair guy.  The fairest guy in the world.  The numbers show I’m fairer than anyone else who ever won a nude calendar model vote on Myrtleville Swimmers.  I’m willing to let all of those losers – sorry, I mean, tremendous, wonderful candidates – come along to my unveiling at 8.30am on Saturday morning in Fennell’s Bay.  I make this tremendous offer in a spirit of peace and hairyness.  It’ll be a sight to sea.  They can all join in too.  I’m in front, though.”

Strictly-related Disorders on the Rise in Cork

This just in – from roving reporter, Glen Barton.

Withdrawal symptoms from the massively successful Strictly CUH event in Cork Opera are being reported to have caused one stardom-struck dancer to suffer from serious side effects of ‘I’llparkmyaudianywhere disorder’.

Loosely parked Audi prior to much-needed swim class therapy this week.

Loosely parked Audi prior to its owner’s much-needed swim class therapy this week.

Doctors say our very own Myrtlevillian hero, Marie Watson, is the fourth known case of this kind in Cork, since Friday 18th November.  

Marie at the disorder-causing event.

Marie at the disorder-causing event.

Symptoms are isolated and usually only experienced in empty car parks. Recovery from these rare cases has been solely as a result of hydrotherapy – along with aquatic therapy techniques including Ai ChiAqua RunningBad Ragaz Ring Method, Burdenko Method, HalliwickWatsu, and other aquatic bodywork forms.

It is hoped that the patient will make a full recovery and will be rehabilitated to white line realignment parking soon.

Visiting of the patient in CUH Children’s ward is strongly discouraged 🙂

Joyous and bountiful are the tidings of the appointment of Chairman Irwin.

News has reached Myrtleville that our old friend, Fast Eddie Irwin, has been appointed to a position of Supreme Leader (AKA Chairman) in Sunday’s Well SC.  Henceforth, all references to his eminence in these pages shall conform to the title of “Chairman Irwin” and be dutiful in their respectful commentary of his reign.  All Hail!!

Draft text of a statement which might be issued by the Grand Council Of The Presidium Of The Supreme SWSC, joyfully sharing the news of the appointment.

To ensure the club can make a higher leap full of great ambition and confidence and usher in a Great Heyday of Swimming Full of Confidence in Victory, the Presidium today joyously confirms the elevation to the post of Chairman of his supreme eminence, Eddie Irwin, hereinafter referred to as Chairman Irwin.

Suddenly, the whole club is engulfed with happiness and the members endlessly inspired.  We await Chairman Irwin’s munificent guidance to bring about a decisive turn in the improvement of the members’ standard of swimming and the building of a great, prosperous and powerful club by accelerating the development of swimming for members once again this year.***

*** Adapted with remarkable ease and surprisingly minimal wording changes from actual announcements by North Korea related to their own Great Leader.

Pictures have emerged online of Chairman Irwin springing into vigorous action to determine new locations for incentivised outdoor activity by members.  Shown below, he toured what may have been the previously mentioned “fresh water” camps of North Cork-Korea.

Chairman Irwin scouting locations.

Chairman Irwin scouting locations.

He also took time to consider new indoor facilities for his beloved people / members. (Note: facilities shown are actually for the use of the Chairman only).

Chairman Irwin - pretty feckin' happy with the new setup.

Chairman Irwin – pretty feckin’ happy with the new setup in his section of Douglas pool.

Finally, a picture shows the Chairman’s delight as his diligent and selfless toil to find ways to incentivise swimmers bears fruit.  These incentivisers are expected to increase speeds considerably when introduced to club sessions.

Chairman Irwin with his new incentivisers for the great leap forward to swim speed glory.

Chairman Irwin with his new incentivisers for the great leap forward to swim speed glory.

We await with boundless happiness developments from the reign of the Chairman, joyously supported by his Comrades – Francisco & Bernardo Lynch et al.  All Hail!!

Polling suspended as hackers hijack towel vote

Voting in the most fiercely contested poll of the year (Brex who?) has had to be suspended, when the poll was hacked.  IP address searches by our experts tracking the hackers indicate Kinsaleish area involvement.  Known skilled IT types with anti-Myrtlevillian grudges are suspected – primarily Eoin “Flash Trader” O’Riordan.

Right up there on the list of good advice with “never get into a land war in South East Asia” is now “never run an online poll”.  Having possibly encouraged multiple voting in a few polls in the past (thanks for that ILDSA award, by the way), we had expected some attempts at same on this poll and had guarded against it.

The shock came when the poll was hacked and a spurious “third candidate” inserted as an option – Towelly McTowelface.  Here’s the poll online before our crack team of anti-hackers sprang into action and asked someone who knew what they were doing to fix it.  

Hacked poll with spurious third candidate.

Hacked poll with spurious third candidate.

Seriously, though – it’s not even original.   Must try harder, Eoin unidentified hackers. Here’s a close-up of the “candidate”.

Yellow Towel

We are now recounting the thousands of votes cast in the poll, to clarify the voting position prior to the hacking.  Tallymen indicate a blue win, but final results are not yet to hand.  

We will be in a position to report on the result we want – as opposed to the actual result, if necessary – after multiple recounts, analysis of hanging chads and querying of the accuracy of the e-Voting machines.  Sometime in 2017, I’d say.  Maybe.

How to Huub

Some of you may have noticed the appearance of a number of Huub logos around the beach of late.  The Huub Capsule – not to be confused with a wetsuit – is the latest phase in the ongoing race to invent ways to be able to enter the sea, choose a destination and arrive there shortly afterwards with a minimum of effort.

Huubing is significantly different from old-school swimming – but some new Huubers are unaware of this.  It was when I noticed one Huuber in the sea moving his arms and legs that I realised he was unaware of key Huub vs Swim points. Thus, in the inimitable style of LoneSwimmer, I felt a helpful “How To” post on this site might be beneficial. 

The Huub experience begins outside the water, with the Insertion or Injection stage, when the passenger is inserted/injected into the Huub Capsule.  This process is not dissimilar to making sausages or black pudding.  Indeed, the look of the passenger in the Capsule once insertion is completed may bring to mind a large bit of Clonakilty Black.

The Insertion stage often requires assistants.  Teams of trained Inserters are available in Myrtleville – known as Huuber Helpers.  Unlike old-fashioned “wetsuits”, the Huub Capsule wears the passenger, not the other way around.  Thus Insertion / Injection is required, rather than “putting on”.

James Slowey being inserted in his Huub.

James Slowey being inserted into his Huub by the C&G Huuber Helper Insertion Team.   No idea what the gang-rapper hand signals are about.

Kieran Murphy quite enjoying his Insertion, assisted by Breda and overseen by Anne.

Kieran Murphy quite enjoying his Insertion by the AB Huuber Helper team.

Such is the complexity and arduousness of the Insertion stage that delusions of grandeur can overwhelm the Huub Capsule Passenger simply on completion of Insertion.

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

‘I’m Huubed up! Nothing can stop me now.  I look so good I’ll wear it running too – with my laces open – and I won’t trip.’  

Indeed, for some new Huubers, just semi-insertion into the Capsule can lead to overwhelming euphoria.

'Feck the top half - I'll be like a rocket with just my legs in!'

‘Feck the top half – I’ll be like a rocket with just my legs in!’

Once Inserted in the Capsule, the Huuber enters the sea.  This is where the difference between Huubing and Swimming takes over.  In swimming, co-ordinated movement of the arms and legs and engagement of the core are key success factors.  In Huubing, the passenger must do as little as possible to impede the movement of the Huub Capsule through the water.  The only thing that must be engaged is the Capsule’s internal propulsion system, which starts as soon as it gets wet.

Thus, for Huubers, moving your body at all is absolutely frowned upon, apart from occasional breaths and sighting (expensive models have pre-programmable GPS so you can do away with the sighting too).  The Huuber must simply enter into the position shown below with arms extended over their head, point in the right direction and the Huub will do the rest.  

Huub technique demonstrated by the Norseman himself.

Huub positioning – demonstrated by the Norseman himself.

Any extraneous movements by the passenger (previously known as taking swimming strokes) will cause the Capsule to slow down.  So – lie down, reach out and let the Capsule do the work.

It’s too late to work on this required Huub positioning once you enter the sea.  At that point the Capsule will just take off.  Put it in water and it just flies.  If you’re not prepared it can start off and you’ll be thrown off your feet.

An unprepared passenger as the Huub Capsule engaged once it touched water. Note that his left arm positioning is completely wrong for Huubing.

An unprepared passenger as the Huub Capsule engaged once it touched water. Note that his left arm positioning is completely wrong for Huubing.

It’s a good idea to get in a bit of practice on the positioning out of the water, as shown below by a Huuber and his Helper.  Unlike the Insertion Helper, this is a different kind of helper, known as the Hoiker.  Hoikers hoik Huubers up to prepare them for the weightless feeling of doing nothing, which they will encounter once the Capsule hits the water.

A Huuber working on his positioning with a Huuber Hoiker Helper.

A Huuber working on his positioning with a Huuber Hoiker Helper.  Again, work needed on that left arm.

I hope this “How To” has been helpful for current and future Huubers.  Just get yourself inserted and let it rip.  You won’t even break sweat.  

I would also like to point out that – despite what you might think – none of these pictures  were staged for this article (bar one – thanks, Mr. Norseman).  They did all of that stuff themselves in what passes for normality at Myrtleville beach.

Myrtle Freed!! Kidnapper Flees!!

In breaking news, Myrtle Turtle has been released and her – alleged – kidnapper revealed as none other than EOIN LOWRY!!    Sharp-eyed detectives only took a week or so to spot that Ron O’Wiley is, in fact, an anagram of Eoin Lowry and – to be fair – he really didn’t seem too bothered that Myrtle was missing.

Myrtle was found unharmed – but traumatised – at the bottom of Lowry’s gear bag when his van was searched.  No trace has been found of Mr. Lowry.  It appears he had planned his escape and may not be finished yet.  

Contact was made via the Darknet with the following image and disturbing message. 

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

For he that shall walk on the water will triumph over the Naysayers! The struggle goes on! Viva Patso!!  The channel shall be conquered!!! 

Myrtle Turtles Channel Relay team members have appealed for privacy at this difficult time.  (We’re still ringing them every hour or so for a comment, though – can’t keep the meedja down).