As officers continue to hunt for the missing mascot we can today EXCLUSIVELY!!! reveal that Myrtle has, in fact, been KIDNAPPED!!!! (That one deserved four exclamation marks, Ed.).
A demand received overnight by this office, purporting to come from Mr. Ron O’Wiley (the “photographer” at the centre of the search) cast this situation into a chilling light. The kidnap has now been conclusively linked to the Patso vs. Myrtle confrontation, but nobody could have foreseen this level of escalation.
We appeal to both sides of this conflict to come together and settle the matter peacefully, with the immediate release of Myrtle. (However, if you choose not to settle it, then keep sending us the pics etc. so we can keep the readership up. Sound. Ed.)
Reached for comment, Myrtle Turtles team member and Patso supporter, Mr. Eoin Lowry, stated, “Obviously it’s just awful. Terrible. I’m gutted. Lucky we’ve got Patso to step in anyway. Ah sure, what can you do? Sad alright, though. Yeah. Sad. Handy for Patso, though. Just saying, like.”