It is with great sadness that the Sanctions Committee of the Dutchman Swimming Association must report on a recently uncovered cheating scandal, which strikes at the heart of all for which the DSA stands. 

As many of you will know, the DSA has strongly supported the – pretty useless – efforts of Mr. Bernie Lynch to swim around our beloved rocks in some kind of a semblance of a straight line.  Years we’ve been supporting him – years.  Here’s an example of the kind of half-assed attempt we’ve had to put up with while still sounding supportive over the years.  Seriously?Despite the embarrassing routinely-submitted evidence of failure, the DSA continued with unflagging support because – sure God help us – we love a trier.  And Bernie?  Sure, Bernie’s a grand fella.  Straight out.  Honest as the day is long.  We thought.

In a shocking turn of events, an anonymous whistle-blower submitted evidence to the DSA that Mr. Lynch was, in fact, WEARING TWO HATS!!!!  This is in direct contravention of rule 74b, subsection 11 which states that one hat only (or none, if you’re Mr. Finbarr) can be worn in all officially-sanctioned Dutchman laps. The evidence was clear – even when hidden under some kind of a pink thing:

An emergency meeting of the Sanctions Committee was called and Mr. Lynch invited to repudiate the allegations.  “Say it ain’t so, Bernie, say it ain’t so”, said the members.  What followed was as blatant an implementation of the Four Ds as you’ll ever see.  Trump would have been only trotting after him.

Dismiss:  “Yerrah what feckin two hats?  Wha?  Me?  Two hats?  Speedo bubble hat? Shag off out of that.  Those bumps under my hat? They’re cornrows – dreadlocks, whatever you call them, like.  Sure I have to tie up my hair some kind of a way”.

Committee: “But Mr. Lynch, we have the pictures”.

Distract: “Pictures?  From that anonymous tout?  Adrian Healy, I’d say.  Him??  Sure he was head to toe in rubber.    A wetsuit, lah.  And he’s calling me for two hats?  What about him?  Wha?  Wha? You’re listening to him?  FFS.”

Committee: “The identity of the anonymous whistle-blower is not relevant.  Anyway, Adrian will be back in togs soon, he was only wearing the suit the one day and he wasn’t trying to submit an official lap claim.  You were.

Distort: “Who said?  Maybe I wasn’t going to submit a claim that day.  Maybe I thought the lines were a bit too bendy.  The rules are all wrong anyway,  Who decides what’s bendy and isn’t?  Who, like?  You?  You? When’s the last time you swam a lap?  And yer man there uses fins.  Feckin one-armed bandit.  Who’s he to say if my lines are bendy?  Anyway, that was a special cold hat.  To make my head colder.  For extra effort, like.

(This went on for quite some time.  The range of counter-allegations and digressions would have done Michael Lowry proud, not to mind Trump).

Committee:  Regardless of all that.  The evidence is clear and sanctions are merited.

(Note: The committee chairman got a book for Christmas of “Fancy things to say at a meeting to sound like you know what you’re doing” by Frank Murphy. It’s very good.  It’s allowing him to replace previous ripostes like “g’wan ya langer” with stuff like “clear” and “merited”.  Fancy, like.)

Dismay: “I don’t believe this.  This is crap.  I’ll leave.  I’ll become a Slapper (Sandycove lapper – obvs).  They’ll accept any ould lap down there, wearing anything. They’d even give ya feckin hats for a lap.  I’ll leave AND I’LL TAKE THE SHAGGIN’ BUOYS WITH ME!!!!”

It’s fair to say that as Mr. Lynch completed his classic implementation of the fourth D, the meeting disintegrated somewhat and the book of fancy things to say went out the window.  G’wan ya langer, echoed loud and clear.

Further meetings may be required.  For now, Mr. Lynch is suspended and if anyone sees him with a load of buoys in a trailer headed for Kinsale- slash his tyres.