Ransom Demand

The following was anonymously received (from Joanne H) this morning.

Myrtleville Musketeers, a renowned swimming fundamentalist group, have succeeded in capturing solo attemptee Brendan O’Brien. Brendan, a renowned Sandycover, is considered a valuable hostage in ongoing negotiations with Ned and his band of doggy paddling renegades. The Musketeers are striving to bring swimming back to the masses by being all inclusive, going so far as to offer them food and showers after their lap of the dazzling Dutchman.

In exchange for Brendan, The Myrtlevillains are willing to accept custody of 50, 3 legged feral goats, one misshapen Island, the installation of swimming lanes in Myrtleville by the Sandycove “swimmers” and maintenance of same, as well as the renaming of CDW to Myrtleville Fun Swim Camp with Cake.

Offers for Brendan’s release can be made via the triple axis of swimming evil: the Myrtle Turtles, Myrtleville Selkies and Myrtleville Musketeers.

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Swimmer Safety – Danger from boats

A potentially fatal accident was narrowly averted on Monday night around 7pm as a RIB travelling at 28 knots came across a swimmer way off the beach and in the middle of the Western commercial shipping corridor into/out of Cork harbour.  That’s well outside the line to the Dutchman or Bunny’s, if you’re not aware. The swimmer was in a wetsuit and had a black hat.  No buoy.   No brightly coloured hat.  Nothing.  If it had not been flat calm, the skipper would not have seen him.  He had no expectation that there would be anyone in the water that far out.  There should not be.

I’ve no idea who the swimmer was.  The RIB skipper who contacted us about the incident used a very good line that I’ll reproduce here.  Don’t take offence.  He’s 100% right and he went to some trouble to document the incident and make contact about it.

“while your swimming community may think that they are at the centre of the universe the majority of people in sailing clubs and other boat users have absolutely no idea that you guys even exist and those that do see you as “water pests” in much the same way that a lot of road users view cyclists.”

Why put yourself in danger by going out too far, not using a buoy or not wearing a high-vis hat, at the very least?

We’ve been saying this for years.  We are each responsible for our own safety.  Be responsible.   Please, listen and spread the word.

https://myrtlevilleswimmers.com/2013/05/31/stay-safe-swim-safe/

May – over, but not forgotten

May’s a tough month.  Lots of swimming because the sun’s up, but cold.  Very cold.  I love May.  Love it.  Bye bye, Pool.  The water feels cold – “I don’t care” as Trevor Malone said when he jumped in prior to his channel swim a few years ago.  Of course, Trevor followed that up with “I’m swimming to France”.  Most of us won’t be saying that!

Why am I talking about May?  In June?  I was too busy lately to spend time on important things – like reading loneswimmer.com.  So, I missed the article from two weeks ago that I’d asked for two years ago.  “Write fancy stuff about May, Donal”, I said.  “More of that flowery shite that Mr. Finbarr loves”.  “No”, said Donal.  Only a few years later, he changed his mind.

Click here for fancy writing about swimming in May in Ireland. 

Mr. Finbarr loved it, I’d say.  The Myrtlevillians even got a mention at the end!  FAME – at last!  You can’t go higher than loneswimmer.com.  Thanks, Donal!

Swim nutrition

Paul Ramsell posted a question on the Facebook group recently regarding drinks and feeds during long swims.  He got some great responses from experienced swimmers covering all kinds of 5:4:1, Lo4 and Hi5 mixes, 45 minute intervals, preparatory porridge packing, hot water etc.  Everything he could want to know.  Except the truth. 

The truth is the top swimmers don’t like to share the secrets of their success.  They’ll spout about carbs and protein, but they’re really powering themselves on 5.1% malt and yeast.  Occasionally one of them will let their guard down and us lesser mortals will get a glimpse of how they’re really able to perform at the level they do.

Like this morning, when Bernie Lynch was overtired from powerwashing his garden and didn’t think to keep a towel over his nutritional stash.  He just threw a pair of jocks on the box.  Peroni.  That’s his secret.  That’s what makes him so successful.  Others have their own preferred brand but it’s clearly all down to their chosen drink.

A tired B. Lynch looking a bit confused as to why his picture was being taken.

OOOPs. The moment when he realises the secret is out.

So now you know, Mr. Ramsell.  Plenty of time to make a stop at some off-licences nutritional supply centres on the way up the country to Carlingford today.  Just a word of warning – overexposure to your chosen power supply can lead to meltdown.

Bernard after a bit of a day out from Dover, August 2016.

Search & Rescue Dogs Deployed In A Bid To Locate 6pm Swimmers

News just in from Glen Barton….

As you kindly made us all aware last week that last night would host the first of the 6pm swims of 2018. But little did we three think that we would have the Myrtleville bath to ourselves and parking restrictions were non-existent. Yes three lonesome souls kick-started the 6pm swims of 2018.


It’s just a pity that the other 4997 Myrtleville Swimmers (non-club) Fair-weather Sailors missed out on such a magical evening of sub-surface song & dance.

After the event, it was decided to deploy a Search & Rescue Dog named ‘Dante’ (a crackin lookin fella by the way) who was fortunate enough to be on a training exercise in the area with his handler Joanne Horgan, in a bid to locate the missing 4997 so-called swimmers.

But efforts were delayed as the dog team had to locate their ‘missing person’ of the training exercise first. Not naming names or anything but if Dodger Ramsell didn’t decide to hide 170 feet up a vertical cliff face off Fennell’s Bay, then some of the swimmers may have been reunited with their loved ones in a more timely fashion.

The search was stood-down at nightfall, and will resume at first light tomorrow morning with 136 more Search Dogs being drafted in from all parts of the world, the assistance of the Coastguard Rescue Helicopter 117, various Maritime Search & Rescue agencies, along with some feen called Condon that’s supposed to have superior local knowledge of the area.

Our efforts will continue until 17:59 on Monday 3rd Apr, at which time you will find us back in the Myrtleville bath. All are welcome.

Glen Barton 🙂

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Here’s hoping your day is going well.  However it is going, it’s got to be better than poor Mike Harris’ morning.  After a beautiful swim in Myrtleville (sure where else would he be?) Mr. Harris was subjected to checking if someone needed a shower before being allowed into the sea.  No sign of the Lynx effect, chez Lynch.  Feck sake, there’s a special offer on deodorant in Centra Crosshaven.  Does he not know that?

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everyone.  Good luck to Nemo and Ireland!

Notification of suspension

The Committee Of Leading Dignitaries Who Initiate Necessary Decisions  (C.O.L.D. W.I.N.D.) have met in closed session and are happy enough regret to announce that Denis Condon has been suspended from having a presence on the beach for one week.  (He still has to go down and clean off the shower area as part of his community service, though.  He has to stay on the concrete bit.  Watch him – make sure he does.)

The decision on this suspension has not been taken lightly but the weather has been shocking and somebody has to be responsible.  Mr. Condon is that person.

Ranting on the suspension, the Committee Chairperson said: 

“For feck sake, Denis, stop putting up on Facebook about beastie easties and lack of sand and all that crap.  Say nothing and the waves won’t be there.  The snow was bad enough but we left you off that one.  You’re just tearing the ass out of it now with this latest carry-on.”

This “say-nothing” approach has, of course, been scientifically proven to work. 

The Chairperson continued less rantingly:

“We look forward to welcoming Mr. Condon back to the beach and among the throngs of Myrtleville Swimmers, once he’s copped on about all this bad weather talk.”

By Order  —  C.O.L.D. W.I.N.D.

Mr. Denis Condon.   Completely to blame for the bad weather.