In overnight developments, investigating officers say they are close to breaking the case and releasing Myrtle. The noose is closing on the kidnapper, Ron O’Wiley.
In an increasingly desperate manoeuvre, O’Wiley has thrown caution to the winds and released pictures directly threatening his captive while trying to implicate Patso in the crime! Stay tuned!!!
Picture received from O’Wiley with the chilling message: Time running out for Myrtle – appoint Patso now, or she gets it!!
As officers continue to hunt for the missing mascot we can today EXCLUSIVELY!!! reveal that Myrtle has, in fact, been KIDNAPPED!!!! (That one deserved four exclamation marks, Ed.).
A demand received overnight by this office, purporting to come from Mr. Ron O’Wiley (the “photographer” at the centre of the search) cast this situation into a chilling light. The kidnap has now been conclusively linked to the Patso vs. Myrtle confrontation, but nobody could have foreseen this level of escalation.
We appeal to both sides of this conflict to come together and settle the matter peacefully, with the immediate release of Myrtle. (However, if you choose not to settle it, then keep sending us the pics etc. so we can keep the readership up. Sound. Ed.)
Reached for comment, Myrtle Turtles team member and Patso supporter, Mr. Eoin Lowry, stated, “Obviously it’s just awful. Terrible. I’m gutted. Lucky we’ve got Patso to step in anyway. Ah sure, what can you do? Sad alright, though. Yeah. Sad. Handy for Patso, though. Just saying, like.”
In a shock announcement, law enforcement agencies have released a statement advising that the mascot for the Myrtle Turtles Swim team, Myrtle the Turtle, is missing.
Last seen on January 19th, the well-known socialite and high-profile mascot did not return from a planned photo-shoot, booked by a Mr. Ron O’Wiley. Investigating officers are anxious to trace Mr. O’Wiley, to eliminate him from their enquiries.
Anyone with information, please contact THIS SITE!!! TELL US FIRST!!! After that, let the police know – if you want. Whatever suits you, like. Just make sure we know.
Last seen wearing – Myrtle.
Ms. Myrtle has been in the news of late at the centre of a protracted dispute with another socialite mascot, Patso Lowry. Representatives of the Myrtle Turtles Channel Relay Team were not available for comment as we went to Press.
Unfortunately – but EXCLUSIVELY!!! – this column can reveal that any semblance of peace in the Myrtle Turtles Channel Relay camp has been shattered. While Talks about Talks regarding the Patso and Myrtle mascot situation were ongoing in Farranree, the stakes were suddenly raised by the master of brinkmanship, Mr. Eoin Lowry.
Some uninformed observers assumed that while the exploratory talks were ongoing, there would be no more escalations of tension. They were wrong. After a training swim yesterday, Mr. Lowry announced he couldn’t see why he had to dry his own feet with all the Mnás around and shouldn’t one of them do it for him, like? If not, he’d have to find more like-minded team-mates, like. Fellow Turtle, Ms. Sheehy – was shocked.
Shocked Ms. Sheehy and the undried Lowry Feet.
Recovering from her shock – Ms. Sheehy sent in the heavy mob. Don Con “reasoned” with Mr. Lowry – as only he can – and explained exactly what could be done with the Lowry feet. The confrontation was explosive and strong words were exchanged.
Making him an offer he better not refuse – Don Cregan-Condon “reasons” with Mr. Lowry.
Mr. Lowry departed the scene – burning rubber and hitting the road in spots. He came back for his van later.
Late last evening it became clear that this escalation had been carefully planned. A PR firm representing Mr. Lowry released staged pictures of him with what are described as potential new team members who are on his wavelength regarding Patso and other key team strategies.
Official PR shot of Mr. Eoin Lowry with proposed new Myrtle Turtle team members.
An accompanying document states that if Patso is not declared to be the official team mascot within one week, Mr. Lowry will have no option but to appoint new team members. Failing this, Mr. Lowry states that he “can not be responsible for the consequences”. No further explanation of this statement was forthcoming.
It would appear to this observer that the whole “foot drying” episode is nothing more than a ploy to force the hand of the other Turtles into accepting Patso as mascot. As ever, further developments will be reported here: FIRST!! and EXCLUSIVELY!! as well.
In a worrying escalation of the Patso vs. Myrtle campaign, Patso supporters were attacked at the weekend, while lawfully expressing their support for “The Furry One”.
Two campaigners – identified locally as “Marie de nurse” and “yer man, Kieran”, were handing out copies of the Patso Manifesto on Saturday morning, to the huge crowds of regular Myrtleville swimmers.
According to eye-witnesses, what happened next was shocking. The Patso supporters were subjected to a violent attack by at least one highly-vocal Myrtle-ite. “She came at them outta nowhere – screaming like a banshee she was, like a banshee!” The attacker was swiftly removed from the scene, but a passing photographer (she passes that place a lot) caught the event on camera and charges may be pending.
Image redacted to protect Anne Sheehy’s identity.
The attacker is a known associate of the Cregan-Condon crime family and locals now fear an escalation in the campaign from both sides. We will monitor and report developments exclusively here.
Led by the PR-savvy swimming-guru, Maeve Mulcahy, all announcements thus far from the Myrtle Turtles Channel Relay Team have been positive, reflecting sweetness and light. Unfortunately, our correspondents have discovered that cracks are appearing in the team, even at this early stage. The trouble stems from the choice of mascot, we are informed.
The first meeting initially went well, with standard press-release photos being taken and smiles all round.
The Myrtle Turtles – live and unplugged (and possibly unhinged…)
The problems began when the mascot, Myrtle, was unveiled. Here’s Myrtle, for those who haven’t met her.
Myrtle – controversial mascot of the Myrtle Turtles.
While all of the ladies on the team were happy with the choice, strenuous objections were raised by the lone “gentleman”, Eoin Lowry. Eoin insisted that his teddy, Patso, was a far more suitable choice as mascot. (Patso is named after Eoin’s brother, Pat and Eoin briefly renamed him Fatso when Pat wasn’t doing much training last year. However, Pat has gone back to work for his next Ironman, so it’s Patso again.) Here’s Eoin with Patso. 
Maeve tried repeatedly to explain the choice of a turtle called Myrtle as a mascot for a team called the Myrtle Turtles, but Eoin was having none of it.
At first, the other team members thought Eoin was joking, but reality dawned slowly.
A vote was taken, but Eoin and Patso were disappointed with the outcome, leaving the incumbent, Myrtle, in place as mascot. Like John Perry in Sligo, Eoin has now spat the dummy and is demanding an open vote on the beach of all Turtle supporters. Failing this, he says he’s recruiting his own team, willing to accept Patso as their rightful mascot.
You know, I’d have to say, while this blow-up may be a surprise to Maeve, Anne, Ros, Eilish and Caitriona, there were signs – if they’d looked for them – that having Eoin on any team could involve some unpredictable moments.
Eoin – just chillin’.
We await further developments in what could be a long-running saga. Watch this space for exclusive updates. Nobody knows, before we know….
Pictures courtesy of Siobhan Russell and Anne Sheehy. Additional “reporting”, Kieran Murphy.
Marathon swimming legend, Ned Denison, finished third in our RNLI swim last Saturday. He quietly skipped the presentations to get ready for an attempt to swim from the Fastnet to Baltimore on Sunday.
Unfortunately, things went against Ned from the outset. Having graced the pesky Myrtlevillians with his presence, he discovered on Sunday that his prized hat and ear plugs had been stolen, swiped, lifted or otherwise robbed – by a villain, no doubt.
Suspicion centres on Myrtlevillians out to sabotage Ned’s 10,072nd Marathon swim. Accusations are flying that there are Myrtlevillains* amongst us Myrtlevillians**. We strongly refute this allegation. There are no villains in the Myrtlevillians.
It’s not as if there’s any proof it was one of us – although there was some phone footage of a dodgy looking character from outside Cronin’s on Saturday night.
You’re still a legend, Ned. Welcome in Myrtleville any time. We’re short dry-robes and towels, if you wanted to bring a few spare with you the next day. We’re grand for hats – if you want a loan of one.
*Villain: A bad guy – or gal.
**Villian: Denizen of the ‘Ville.
***Ned: Denison, not a Denizen of the ‘Ville. Always welcome, though.
Last Saturday, Sean Foley purchased a new Myrtleville Hat in Lynch’s Centra. Followers of this site might remember Sean as the man who swore blind, crossed his heart and spat five times on a gypsy’s right hand that he would be down swimming a couple of weeks back. No sign. So, by way of making up for this, he announced he would buy a hat and take it to Silicon Valley this week, where he’d use it in an open water pool and in SF Bay.
After a few days, he posted the following picture on d’interweb.
Sean Foley in Silicon Valley, San Francisco, Youghal?
We were all duly impressed that Sean was in San Francisco and awaited proper pictures of the sea. And we awaited. And waited. And awaited again.
With time on their hands, some experts noted that the supposedly 50m open water pool in the background looked an awful lot like Brookfield. Others queried Sean’s reasoning that he hadn’t been able to go into SF Bay as there might be great white sharks within 14 miles (he was very precise). No shark would attack a Hat wearer (note: incomplete research on this. Swim with sharks at your own risk, whether wearing Hat or otherwise).
Finally, body language experts noted that in the picture, Sean was clearly looking to the right – the classic tell for LIARS (note: some research has disproved this, but we don’t believe it. They’re LIARS too).
So, for the first time, we have a Hat Fraud. We await Sean’s return from Glanmire or Youghal or wherever to defend himself, or accept his sentence of a quick dip on the next calm day of our choosing.
Calm day, thank God.
Spare a thought in this great weather (other than the morning fog) for the seemingly large number of our fellow swimmers suffering from head colds and chest infections. The current species of virus goes on for a couple of weeks and laughs in the face of all antibiotics and other remedies…….until now!
With the shower market cornered, Harcon Plc are expanding their product range and have proudly announced the all-new “One night cough syrup”.
Only available direct from Harcon’s mobile delivery vehicle (parked at the top of Myrtleville slip at 10.30am most days), it’s the solution to what ails you. Not currently available in pharmacies, but discussions with Ed the Chemist are planned.
Never miss another swim! Just one dose and you too can look this good the next day.
Prime examples of the health benefits of the One Night Syrup.
Great to see our national reputation as a centre of pharmacological excellence being enhanced further.
In breaking business, legal and sporting news this column can exclusively reveal that the feuding empires of the Condon and Harris Shower companies have let business logic come to the fore and have joined forces as HARCON Plc. This new entity will combine the polished, established credentials of the Harris Shower company with the guerilla marketing tactics of the younger upstarts in Condon Showers, to seek world domination of the post-OW swim shower market. All ongoing legal actions between the two companies worldwide have been dropped.
Chairman and CEO of HARCON Plc on a corporate day out to celebrate the new company.
Speaking at the company launch, Mike Harris (Chairman), commented that combining the first three letters of each of the existing company names to create HARCON seemed the perfect naming solution. Mr. Harris noted that they had considered the first three letters of his name and the last three of Mr. Condon’s. However, it was felt that HARDON Plc could potentially have some negative connotations. Given that same was also anatomically impossible after a cold water swim this might open the door to misinterpretation by customers – with potential legal challenges. “And we’ve had enough of those”, said Mr. Harris, wryly.
New promotional shot of the HARCON Shower in use.
This is a good-news business story for all concerned – except the customers, as shower prices have now been doubled. “Monopoly?”, CEO Condon was quoted as saying, “I haven’t played that for years. ”
Delighted that all the issues are resolved, Chairman of HARCON Plc, Mr. Mike Harris, made his way to the mecca of OW swimming and gave thanks.
Myrtleville Swimmers 