Myrtleville Lap Hats – Questions Answered

The response to the new lap recognition system has been most gratifying, with so many swimmers working towards their chosen level.  However, as with all new systems which are innovative – indeed, groundbreaking in a watery kind of way – queries have arisen.  The most recent committee meeting pontificated as follows on said queries:

Q. Can I sell my laps to other people if I have loads of them? (Denis – he never lost it.)

A. Yes, definitely.  Also, if you find someone willing to buy laps, the committee has a unique first edition crayon copy of the Book of Kells and also the title deeds to Patrick’s Bridge for sale.  Be sure to put them on to us.

Q. What’s the story with the buoys only being there for April to October – how does this effect lap-counting relative to other lap-counting systems?  

A. This is adjusted with reference to the Myrtleville Multiplier.  As you can only swim around the buoys for seven months of the year, you need to multiply your laps completed by 1.714287 to calculate annual laps towards your langerload of them.

For example, if you took the number of laps Gary Frost has completed in the last month and multiplied it by 1.714287, you would get – about 1.714287, or maybe a bit less.  Doing a lot of standing on the beach, is Gary.

Q. What about really cold water laps – how are they handled?

A. Since the buoys aren’t there for the depths of Winter, it’s possible that really cold won’t come into the equation.  However, if it does get below 5c and a lap is completed, the committee has determined that the swimmer concerned will immediately merit a hat.  It will be known, obviously enough, as an Ice LOL.  Loop the Loop, probably.

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Myrtleville Lap Hats

The fantastic new safety buoys (thanks #healthyireland 🙂 ) are in considerable and consistent use.  A number of swimmers have asked if there will be a lap-counting system, similar to that practiced in other, less popular swim venues – where it’s important to numerically note anyone swimming there since, as they say, what’s seldom is wonderful.  

This is obviously a serious matter so it was felt we should respond like a proper club, for once. The lappy-hat situation was referred to Central Council level. After much deliberation the Central Council referred the matter to the Joint Committee, who referred it to a Strategic Policy Panel, who established a Working Group, who recommended the issue be considered by a new committee, the Committee Of Dedicated Swimmers Who Absolutely Love Lapping Or Pontificating (CODSWALLOP Committee, for short).  CODSWALLOP have now duly pontificated. 

“We in Myrtleville have often said that our swimmers are more than just numbers.  We would not dream of reducing their achievements to mere figures.  On this point, we were also unable to determine how to answer the very reasonable question from D. Condon about what he would do once he ran out of fingers, like. Numbers were therefore out.

However, due to demand, there will still, indeed, be a recognition system for laps achieved in Myrtleville.”

The system will operate under three levels, will be self-regulated and only vaguely numerical.  It’s more of a feeling thing.  The levels are as follows:

1. Rakes Of Feckin’ Laps (ROFL Level)

This is the entry level achievement and is expected to be the most popular.  Swimmers will be entitled to wear this hat once they’ve gone for a few swims and feel they know the buoys well (“dere’s six of dem, like.  Yellow ones.”).  The ROFL hat is for anyone who feels justified in answering “rakes of dem” when asked if they are doing many laps these days.  This could be two laps for some or a hundred and six for others.  Really – who cares?  You want ROFL hat?  Have a ROFL hat.  If you want, we’ll have a presentation ceremony.  Rob Bohane is available for that kind of thing.  Whatever, like.

2. Laps – Many And Ongoing (LMAO Level)

This is a level for all regular swimmers. If you’re out there and going around lappishly, award yourself a LMAO hat.  Soon all your friends will want one.  It’s above the ROFL because of its connotation of all-year round swimming and “dere’s no stoppin me, like” charisma.  If you’re a LMAO guy or gal – wear a LMAO hat.

3. Langerload Of Laps (LOL Level)

This is the pinnacle of achievement in Myrtleville.  We really don’t expect to see many of these hats, or at least not for a few years.  You’d want to be out there a lot to justify a LOL, like.  They’ll stand out from the crowd, the LOLs.  “Look, he’s a LOL, lah. Look, lah.  A LOL”.  That’s what the awestruck other swimmers will say when they see a langer in a LOL hat, like.  We’ll wait to see who comes out of the pack to justify a LOL for themselves. 

How to get a relevant hat:

Once you feel you have achieved the level required to wear the relevant hat, here’s what you do.  Get either a blank hat or one you can turn inside out.  For demonstration purposes, we’re using one Bernie Lynch gave us after some ould swim he did in 2016.  You’ll also need a permanent marker – any colour you like.  No restrictions on your creativity.  Your workspace should look like this:

Then, make your hat.  Here’s a sample with fancy wave motify things (yes, that’s what they are) – but don’t be restrained.  Make yours as unique as you like.  Then, wear it with pride.

Just to be a bit motivational, we also did one for LOLs.  Aim for it.  Push yourself.  You know you can do a langerload of laps.  When you do – wear that hat.  You are a LOL.  Definitely worth an exclamation mark, a LOL.

Be sure to send in pictures of yourselves in your new hats as you work through the levels.  You know we’d all just love to see them.

Wedding day swim

It’s nice to post something that’s just – nice, for once.  No slagging – just nice.  Alan O’Flaherty got married yesterday and set himself up for a new life with a swim in Myrtleville in the morning and Siobhan – as ever – was there.  No nerves on show.  Well, maybe a little….

He was joined by Laurence, Anne, Denis (he’s back) and Bernard.

and he scrubbed up well later!  Congratulations to Alan and Aileen.

Have you seen this man?

Missing since a jaunt to the Rockies and notably absent at the swim last night, Denis Condon – where are you??

Whatever we said (and we said a lot, repeatedly), we didn’t mean it (well, maybe a bit, but not really, like) and we want you back (the showers need to be fixed, they keep running so you have to get the sand out of them).

Come back, Denis, all is forgiven (maybe not all, but enough for now).

Results – 2019 RNLI Myrtleville to Church Bay Swim

The results are now online with Sportstiming for the 10th Annual RNLI Myrtleville to Church Bay Swim.

Click here:   https://www.sportsplits.com/races/15595

Thanks to all of the volunteers and sponsors who helped to make the event possible – the RNLI, Coast Guard, Gardai, Order of Malta, Funkytown, Sports Timing, Centra Crosshaven, Port of Cork, Cronin’s Pub, The Edge Sports and numerous fantastic individuals without whom nothing could run.  All of your time and efforts are greatly appreciated.  Thanks again to you all.

While the Don’s away…

It’s lovely when people go on holidays and send us pics of The Hat joining them in idyllic locations.  Here’s one from Denis away off in the Rockies.  I think he may have found the hat there after it fell out of James Slowey’s bag when he cycled over them on his jaunt across America last year.  The pics give us something to remember them by.

However, it seems that Denis may have been active in making sure some of his disciples would remember him through a different means while he was away.  Always one to encourage his faithful followers to visit the camps of North Corkorea, news has reached us of his latest torture scheme for those foolish enough to place their trust in the one known as The Don.

An anonymous tipster known only as Paparazzi Magnet was in touch to advise that this notice had appeared at the Knocka freshwater camps last weekend:

All reservoir swimmers. Be careful on entry/exit to the water. We found these thumb tacks in the water this evening on the slip. We picked up as many as we could but there could be more.

Clearly The Dastardly Don was making sure nobody would be enjoying his absence down Knocka way.  He looked into spreading Weaver/Weever fish there, but found they didn’t take to the fresh water (who could blame them).

We believe the Condon plan was to claim that the phantom tack scatterer had run for the hills when Denis got back, as the spate of tacks will mysteriously stop once he comes home.  Just wait and see.  You couldn’t keep up with him. 

Watch your feet down in that place.  For those not under the Condon spell, stay where God intended – in Myrtleville.  In the sea.

I, Android. The flipper diaries, part one.

I wasn’t going to write this, but some of the stuff was funny enough to be shared.  I became an android in January (“looks look like a human on the outside but with robot-like internal mechanics”).  

When I was wheeled in for the operation, one of the medical team remembered me from a previous visit and said, “oh you’re that guy who does the sea swimming”. She then calls a colleague and says, “this man swims in the sea all the time. Doesn’t your boyfriend do that?”.  “Yes”, says the colleague, “he’s training for triathlons.” “Where do you go now?”, she asks me – “would you be in Myrtleville or Sandycove?”

No, I’m not making this up and I wasn’t drugged at that point – just flat on my back waiting for a new ticky bit for my heart and wondering if I was on candid camera.

“I’d be Myrtleville, really” I said, refraining from further comment in case I was going to be identified and unable to defend myself.  She didn’t refrain though.  “Yaaaaaay!”, she says, turning to her colleague, “Myrtleville is much more fun, they’re great crack down there and really welcoming.  The Sandycove crowd are…….different, really.” 

Honestly, not even I could make this stuff up.

Anyway, I knew I was in good hands (discerning, intelligent people – clearly) and they did a great job.  Just one problem – I was told afterwards – you can’t swim any more.  Oh.  Hmm.  That wasn’t great news.  “Never fear”, I thought,”I’ll ring Bernie Lynch.  He’ll have a plan”.  I don’t know why I thought that after the hames he made of advising me about the weever fish attack the last time, but I rang him anyway.

Fair dues, he had a plan.  “No swimming?  Yerrah feck that.  We’ll get ya flippers and a snorkel.  You’ll be grand.”  When you’re at a low ebb, it’s great to get some clarity and certainty.  Then he started messing it up. “”Sure I remember doing laps of Sandycove when I was diving and we used to do them with flippers, no arms – nothin’ “. “C’mere”, I said, “what has laps of Sandycove got to do with it?”  “Don’t worry” he says, “it’ll work in Myrtleville too”.  I suppose I’d just have to trust him.

As soon as I get the all clear in March, I’m down to the beach.  Arrival doesn’t go well.  As I get there, Celine Hyde pulls into my space.  Right in front of me.   She gets out and says, “first come, first served”.  There must have been an EGM while I was away and new rules dreamed up.  I bet Denis Condon is behind it.  Anyway, I was on a mission so I parked all the way across the road and got on with it.

Armed with Abby Lynch’s old snorkel (cleaned with Milton by Ann Lynch, I’m assured – not that I’d care) and a pair of long diving fins covered in dust and spider webs, last seen outside of the Lynch garage in the 1990s, I head for the sea.  Marcus Austin is on hand to take a picture and keep an eye out.  “If I go under too often, Marcus, come and get me….” The new life of the android flipper has begun.