Shalloo’s Swabbers (and scrubbers)

It has been noted by a small picky, picky, picky few of the thousands of satisfied buoy-lappers that the underside or nether regions of the new buoys are not as sparkly clean as when they were first installed. These dirty bottoms are, apparently, causing a degree of discomfort for these picky (×3) swimmers. They (the picky ones) feel that the entirely natural and expected build up of weed and – dare one say – slime on the underside of the buoys is lowering the tone of the Myrtleville experience on their Insta stories.  

One of the offending dirty-bottomed-buoys.  Thanks, Siobhan 🙂

Never fear, Myrtlevillians.  Today, we are delighted to announce that qualms and concerns regarding the buoys are being addressed – under the command of Lieutenant Commander James Shalloo (Ret’d).  

Cap’n Jim (that other rank stuff is way too long to keep typing) is establishing a roster for pair of crack teams to be known as the SAS. That’s Swabbers And Scrubbers, obvs. 

Contacted for details, Cap’n Jim was fierce nauticalish altogether about his plans. 

“Avast ye”, says he. “This scuttlebutt about seaweed and barnacles wouldn’t have happened on my ship. We’ll enlist two crews – Shanghai them if we have to – and get those buoys shipshape and Bristol fashion twice a week. Swabbers on Monday and Scrubbers on Thursday. There’ll be no swinging the lead either. Not on my watch.”

He really knows Navy talk, does Cap’n Jim.  He also plans to spare no expense in equipping the crews – or at least in equipping himself to inspect their work.  He has demanded funds for this inspection craft.  The Committee for How to say Feck Off without hurting feelings is considering it.

Anyway, all volunteers are to sign up for duty on www.swabscrub.jim and they will be duly assigned their roles as either a swabber or scrubber.  If he likes the cut of your jib, Cap’n Jim might even let you pick which you are. 

Form an orderly queue and let’s get the asses of these buoys looking good for the Gram, peeps. 

Do the Dog-Leg: do NOT skip Buoy 5.

This is important.  Please note and share.  The six safety buoys have been laid out specifically to encourage swimmers to follow a route which keeps us safe.  This means you should NOT swim directly from Buoy 4 at the Dutchman rocks to Buoy 6 at Bunnyconnellan.  To do that means you are out in an area where marine traffic can be passing at speed.  They may not expect to meet swimmers out there.  

A lap of the six buoys is 1,350m.  This includes a dog-leg from buoy 4 to 5 to 6.  This was planned.  It’s for your safety.  For every lap – do the dog-leg.  Touch Buoy 5.  If you don’t, you’re taking a risk.  Here’s a map from one swimmer – she did the dog-leg.

There is a Mariner’s Notice in place for Myrtleville Bay and within the buoys.   Our job as swimmers is to stay within the buoyed area.  Do the dog-leg.  Seriously. Swim Safe.

Buoy update

The buoys were manufactured today.  They now need the base and stainless steel eyes fitted.  They are expected to ship to us next Monday.  Weather permitting, we hope to have them in for w/c July 20.  We’ll then try for a celebration swim before the end of July.  Fingers crossed.  🙂

Here’s a slightly dodgy phone pic of them at this stage!

Go, FFS!!

As the Number One not-a-club swimming movement in the world, Myrtleville Swimmers are always willing to lend a hand to new like-minded associations.  Over the weekend, on a brief trip to Fountaina’, we were delighted to meet representatives of a new local swimmers movement to be known as “Fountainstown For Swimmers” (FFS, for short).

FFS spokesperson, Marie Watson – together with non-committee members, Brenda Sisk and Pat Lowry – explained the motivation of the new movement as being to get as many current Myrtleville Swimmers to move over to the wide open spaces of Fountainstown as possible.  Ms. Watson was at pains to point out that FFS was a wholly inclusive movement and absolutely everyone currently taking up my parking swimming in Myrtleville was welcome to move over there as soon as possible.

“We have mountains of parking and room for everyone”, said Ms. Watson.  “We really, really want the multitudes in Myrtleville to come over here to join us.  Nothing would make us happier”.  It is understood that Myrtlevillians resident in Fountainstown will throw open their doors to offer hot showers and BBQs to all FFS associates (they have not actually been told this as yet, but it’ll be grand.   Breda and Daniel are sound.).

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

A warm welcome awaits ye all in Fountainstown. #goFFS

Local swimmer, Bernie Lynch – interviewed on de telly by Virgin Media about the new movement – was vocal in his endorsement. “C’mere, until about 2012 ’twas grand down in Myrtleville.  ‘Twas just meself, Pat, Tom and de odd extra fiend some days.  Den dis langer came along and set up a website.  Now I’m walkin’ from de shop here to Myrtleville cos dere’s no parking.  I mean, at least it’s better dan de traffic bandidos of de Wild West down by d’Island, but it’s still a feckin pain.  FFS is right.  I’m all for it.  Go, FFS and take dat shaggin website with ye!”

Given such staunch support, this langer will be throwing all available resources of the shaggin website behind the new movement and encouraging the promotion of it through the twitter hashtag #GoFFS.  Join the movemement, people!  Go, FFS!!

Defibrillator out of order

Just a note as large numbers of swimmers return to the sea – the AED in Myrtleville needs a new battery, which Glen Barton has ordered.  A new casing will also be organised in the coming weeks.  The battery costs of about €220 and the cost of the new casing will be covered from donations previously received from swimmers.  Thanks for looking after this, Glen 🙂

Please keep the noise down

Please remember in the morning that just because you are up, you don’t have to wake the Myrtleville residents. Please keep the noise down. You can enjoy your swim without making excessive noise. Here’s a polite reminder from one resident. To be blunt, they shouldn’t have to remind us – politely or not. 

Hi swimmers, since early morning swimming has commenced again. I would like to remind you that because of the physical features of our beloved Myrtleville noise such as voices in conversation and car doors banging is very amplified. We frequently have noise late into the night from cars, their occupants and their music so the sleep window for residents can be quite brief. I would be most grateful to you if you could take these realities into consideration and I wish you continued enjoyment and benefit from your swimming 🏊🏻‍♀🏊‍♂

2020 RNLI Myrtleville to Church Bay Swim

Grand stretch in the evenings, so it’s time to start planning for the big event.

The 2020 RNLI Myrtleville to Church Bay 2km open water sea swim will take place on Wednesday July 8th, 2020 at 7.00 pm. Mark your diaries!

Entries will open in March and will close at 14.00 on Tuesday, July 7th, 2020.

DSA Announcement

It is with great sadness that the Sanctions Committee of the Dutchman Swimming Association must report on a recently uncovered cheating scandal, which strikes at the heart of all for which the DSA stands. 

As many of you will know, the DSA has strongly supported the – pretty useless – efforts of Mr. Bernie Lynch to swim around our beloved rocks in some kind of a semblance of a straight line.  Years we’ve been supporting him – years.  Here’s an example of the kind of half-assed attempt we’ve had to put up with while still sounding supportive over the years.  Seriously?Despite the embarrassing routinely-submitted evidence of failure, the DSA continued with unflagging support because – sure God help us – we love a trier.  And Bernie?  Sure, Bernie’s a grand fella.  Straight out.  Honest as the day is long.  We thought.

In a shocking turn of events, an anonymous whistle-blower submitted evidence to the DSA that Mr. Lynch was, in fact, WEARING TWO HATS!!!!  This is in direct contravention of rule 74b, subsection 11 which states that one hat only (or none, if you’re Mr. Finbarr) can be worn in all officially-sanctioned Dutchman laps. The evidence was clear – even when hidden under some kind of a pink thing:

An emergency meeting of the Sanctions Committee was called and Mr. Lynch invited to repudiate the allegations.  “Say it ain’t so, Bernie, say it ain’t so”, said the members.  What followed was as blatant an implementation of the Four Ds as you’ll ever see.  Trump would have been only trotting after him.

Dismiss:  “Yerrah what feckin two hats?  Wha?  Me?  Two hats?  Speedo bubble hat? Shag off out of that.  Those bumps under my hat? They’re cornrows – dreadlocks, whatever you call them, like.  Sure I have to tie up my hair some kind of a way”.

Committee: “But Mr. Lynch, we have the pictures”.

Distract: “Pictures?  From that anonymous tout?  Adrian Healy, I’d say.  Him??  Sure he was head to toe in rubber.    A wetsuit, lah.  And he’s calling me for two hats?  What about him?  Wha?  Wha? You’re listening to him?  FFS.”

Committee: “The identity of the anonymous whistle-blower is not relevant.  Anyway, Adrian will be back in togs soon, he was only wearing the suit the one day and he wasn’t trying to submit an official lap claim.  You were.

Distort: “Who said?  Maybe I wasn’t going to submit a claim that day.  Maybe I thought the lines were a bit too bendy.  The rules are all wrong anyway,  Who decides what’s bendy and isn’t?  Who, like?  You?  You? When’s the last time you swam a lap?  And yer man there uses fins.  Feckin one-armed bandit.  Who’s he to say if my lines are bendy?  Anyway, that was a special cold hat.  To make my head colder.  For extra effort, like.

(This went on for quite some time.  The range of counter-allegations and digressions would have done Michael Lowry proud, not to mind Trump).

Committee:  Regardless of all that.  The evidence is clear and sanctions are merited.

(Note: The committee chairman got a book for Christmas of “Fancy things to say at a meeting to sound like you know what you’re doing” by Frank Murphy. It’s very good.  It’s allowing him to replace previous ripostes like “g’wan ya langer” with stuff like “clear” and “merited”.  Fancy, like.)

Dismay: “I don’t believe this.  This is crap.  I’ll leave.  I’ll become a Slapper (Sandycove lapper – obvs).  They’ll accept any ould lap down there, wearing anything. They’d even give ya feckin hats for a lap.  I’ll leave AND I’LL TAKE THE SHAGGIN’ BUOYS WITH ME!!!!”

It’s fair to say that as Mr. Lynch completed his classic implementation of the fourth D, the meeting disintegrated somewhat and the book of fancy things to say went out the window.  G’wan ya langer, echoed loud and clear.

Further meetings may be required.  For now, Mr. Lynch is suspended and if anyone sees him with a load of buoys in a trailer headed for Kinsale- slash his tyres.