Christmas Shopping – Sorted

Put some colour in your life this Christmas – don’t settle for grey 🙂

Myrtleville Swimmers Towels: €15.
Myrtleville Swimmers orange & yellow swimhats: €8.
Can be purchased in Lynch’s Centra, Crosshaven.

Thanks, as ever, to the Centra staff for facilitating this – it’s a hassle for them, but much appreciated.

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Privilege fees for Myrtleville Swimming

Things have got ridiculous. There were over 100 swimmers last Saturday and much the same on Sunday.  In October.  FFS.  I can can hardly get parking  It has become much harder to gain access to the beach and people keep getting in my way in the sea  there are safety issues about so many people in the water at the same time.  There are just too many swimmers in Myrtleville at this stage.  Through #supporttheweakercounties, we’ve tried encouraging people to move to the West, where there are wide open empty, grey islands.  No takers.  Hardly suprising, but it was worth a try.

It hasn’t been an easy decision but we are left with no option.  Following a special EGM of The Committee for Appraising Stuff Holistically Concerning Open Water Swimming (The CASHCOWS),  we’re going to start charging for use of the beach.  That might cut down on the numbers, or at least give us some dosh to go off out foreign for a break from the crowds.

The Committee have created a number of packages to give choices to users queuing to pony up for the privilege (and it is a feckin’ privilege) to swim in Myrtleville.  Note that the dirty word “Membership” has not been mentioned at any stage – there’s no club here.  You’re just paying for the privilege of access to the beach, the ambience, street cred etc.  The CASHCOWS will mind the money.  Don’t worry about that. 

To ensure fair pricing, guidance was received from Mr. F. Murphy c/o Pairc Ui Chaoimh.  Mr. Murphy is a noted expert in setting pricing at levels requiring finance to afford them.  All the Credit Unions are lending, by the way.

The Privilege Packages are as follows and each comes with its own host at the beach. 

The Condon Classic Privilege Package – €5,000 PA.   Five year tickets available for €20k.

This is the ideal level for the daily dipper who wants to spend up to 18 hours a day at the beach. Condon Classic ticket holders will be guaranteed a bench seat (as long as there’s room – no guarantees, like) and can loiter at the beach all day, being fed by other swimmers.  There may be some swimming done, but mostly it’s about the social scene, cakes and chatting. Your host, Bishop Denis, will be on hand for spiritual guidance, while you’re cooking his rashers.

Bishop Denis of New York. Star of the silver screen.

Bishop Denis of New York. Star of the silver screen.

The Lobster Executive Privilege Package – €7,500 PA.  Five year tickets available for €30,000.

This is an enhanced version of the Condon Classic, involving fresh lobster meals (when available) provided by your host, Bernie Lynch (Note: no actual lobsters have been harmed in any way during the lobster hunting season so far, so don’t be too hungry when you arrive).  This is perfect if you’re into long swims exploring from Church Bay to Fountainstown and beyond.  Bernard will show you caves, rocks and shaley beaches you didn’t even know existed – even though you’re swimming past them every day.

One man and his pot. B. Lynch in action.

The Anonymous Privilege Package – €10,000PA – no cash trail.  €45k five-year option available.

This one took a lot of deliberations by the Committee, but we had to recognise and confront the issue head on.  Part of the problem with the numbers in Myrtleville is all of the “Sandycove” swimmers who just happen to spend all of their time in Myrtleville – bar the odd trip West for show, or if there’s something on down there. Very rarely, in other words. We don’t subscribe to name and shame tactics so we’ll keep your names quiet, once you pay up. Or, of course, if you prefer, there’s always de upliftingly-coloured grey island to go to. No? Thought not. Sign here.

Anonymous package purchasers will receive a bonus DVD on signing, with classic tracks like Grey Day by Madness, Fade to Grey by Visage and films like The men who stare at Goats.

Just another club chairman showing his true colours.

Hat-wearing, non-swimming Privilege Package –  €1,500 PA.  

This package is perfect for former swimmers who like to flaunt their Myrtleville hats and towels on holiday, but haven’t turned up for a swim in ages. James Slowey, Harry Casey – you know de lads. This package confers the privilege to retain their gear but have no actual swimming rights.

This is the only level without a longer term option, as it’s hoped that purchasers will cop on and get back swimming – at full package rates, bien sûr.

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

James Slowey – ‘Have you seen this man?

Privilege Packages are available from Lynch’s Centra Crosshaven from November 1st.  The Credit Union is just next door, handily enough.

Financial Advisors will attend this weekend’s Vampire Swim for guidance on loan options.

Hat journeys

It’s been a while since we’ve taken note of the many journeys The Hat is taking.  Last week I visited d’Island down West to give them some moral support.  I was delighted to see two swimmers emerging from the water at the slip wearing green Myrtleville hats.  Great to see our #supporttheweakercounties initiative in action.

Myrtlevillian regular, Noreen Fox, also swam in her green hat last week.

Noreen was a bit further West than d’Island, though.  Juneau, Alaska to be precise.  See that white stuff on the hills there?  Snow.  Seriously – snow. 

That’s not the impressive one, though. Hands up who else has been swimming with an iceberg?

Noreen is now prepared for Winter swimming with Denis and his adoring Mnás 🙂

Seal attacks!!! Kindof. Sorta. Maybe, like.

Consternation in Myrtleville this morning!  Kerfuffle! Discombobulation! Mad stuff altogether.

I was plodding along out by the corner at Bunnyconnellan when I saw three swimmers approaching.  At speed.  I mean – speed.  It was the intrepid trio of Bernie, Jim and Trev.  I turned around to head back to the beach – with them about 200 metres behind me.  I was 500m out.  As you can see from the first picture below (that’s me there in the distance on the left) they passed me – at speed, like – and were a good 200m ahead of me hitting the beach. 

Now, I’m slow.  I know that.  I’m fine with it.  I’m not that slow, though.  They’re not more than twice as fast as me.  Not on a normal day.  This was NOT a normal day.  The trio – they shouted – had suffered repeated, vicious, co-ordinated and just generally feckin awful seal attacks by up to nine seals.  It started at two but they were definitely talking about nine by the end of it.  I didn’t see any myself.  Must have been going too slowly.

I think the second picture below is Trevor explaining how close they had come to near death at the hands of Sealus Attackus Beastus.  Either that or he’s saying how big the seal was – which would take a bit away from the drama of the attack, to be honest, if it was that size.  I say IT, but I mean THEM – THEM, dozens of THEM.  You can see Bernard staring out to sea anxiously in case THEY were coming on still.  Terrifying, like.  No way was it just a couple of ould seals out for a quiet swim.  No way.  Attack.  Definitely an attack.

Despite their horrific experience, the trio posed for a picture with a fan (sound, lads) and then made their way shakingly up the beach, discussing googling “Seal Attacks” and whether warning signs should be put up.  Mad stuff.  Mad.

BE CAREFUL OUT THERE! Watch out for dogfish too.  Now THEY are vicious, I can tell ya that.  Don’t start me about dogfish.

RNLI Swim 2018 – Photos

Thanks to Siobhan Russell for her fantastic work, as always.  For those of you who may not have access to these on Facebook, click on the link to see all the photos from the night:

RNLI Myrtleville-Church Bay 2018 Photos

Here’s a picture of the winner, Neddie Irwin.

Open Water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland

Neddie Irwin with Gary Heslin, RNLI and Bernard Lynch

Oh wait, that’s an old one.  That was 2013 when he did it in 33.22 and finished 18th – the youngest swimmer in the event.  He knocked a bit off that time this year to 22.15.  He must have done a bit of training for the past five years. And stretching.

Roll on 2019.  Hopefully without any wind-enforced postponements.

Thanks to all the volunteers who helped and the sponsors – the RNLI, Coast Guard, Gardai, Order of Malta, Funkytown, Sports Timing, Port of Cork, Centra Crosshaven, Cronin’s Pub, The Edge Sports, Happy Pear and numerous fantastic individuals without whom nothing could run.  All of your time and efforts are greatly appreciated.  Thanks to you all.