Fresh from his success in the Nude Calendar Vote, Mr. Kieran Murphy held a lunchtime press conference which has just concluded.
He thanked his “many, many, most tremendous, greatest number ever, more voters than anyone else ever had” supporters and offered a machine gun to his fellow candidates. An olive branch had been expected, but Mr. Murphy is taking a leaf from other recently successful candidates, so a machine gun it was.
Mr. Murphy was all-encompassing in his comments for his fellow candidates. In other words, he dissed them all.
Some highlights: “All of those losers can learn from me. I’m the man. Wait’ll they see my tremendous ass….ets. Condon? Yesterday’s news. His shower business is down the tubes and now modelling’s out too. Hallissey? He might as well stay up there in that North Cork-Korea lake. There’s nothing for him in the sea, where the action is. Kiely? Not even the feds could save his campaign. Shalloo? He might be fast but where’s his numbers? Frost? Now, Frost was clever. Going for that last place to force a win based on US election rules. That might have worked. I’ve got some respect for that guy. The LOSER!! Yes, Yes, I’m tremendous.”
However, Mr. Muphy did eventually make an offer to warm the hearts (and freeze the backsides) of his opponents.
“I’m a tremendously fair guy. The fairest guy in the world. The numbers show I’m fairer than anyone else who ever won a nude calendar model vote on Myrtleville Swimmers. I’m willing to let all of those losers – sorry, I mean, tremendous, wonderful candidates – come along to my unveiling at 8.30am on Saturday morning in Fennell’s Bay. I make this tremendous offer in a spirit of peace and hairyness. It’ll be a sight to sea. They can all join in too. I’m in front, though.”