In breaking news, Myrtle Turtle has been released and her – alleged – kidnapper revealed as none other than EOIN LOWRY!! Sharp-eyed detectives only took a week or so to spot that Ron O’Wiley is, in fact, an anagram of Eoin Lowry and – to be fair – he really didn’t seem too bothered that Myrtle was missing.
Myrtle was found unharmed – but traumatised – at the bottom of Lowry’s gear bag when his van was searched. No trace has been found of Mr. Lowry. It appears he had planned his escape and may not be finished yet.
Contact was made via the Darknet with the following image and disturbing message.
Myrtle Turtles Channel Relay team members have appealed for privacy at this difficult time. (We’re still ringing them every hour or so for a comment, though – can’t keep the meedja down).