The Mnás strike back

Following his not-very-well-received – or advised – comments of recent times, Denis Cregan-Condon has now been sent to Coventry (as opposed to Barnsley, where Daniel has gone into hiding) and told to swim on his own, in a mná-free zone.

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

One man and his sea – Cakeless Cregan-Condon heads off this morning.

Of course anything some fictional Polish wans can do, our Myrtlevillian Mná can do better – look what Denis missed when he went out to sea.  Baywatch how are ya?!

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

Casting session for the new Baywatch in Myrtleville – when Denis’ back was turned, look what he missed!

Hell hath no fury like a mná scorned, Denis.

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Baywatch in Myrtleville

Denis Cregan-Condon and his sidekick, Danny Barnsley, have been full of the joys of life in the last few days, as they’re joined – allegedly – by two new Polish swimming friends.

“They puts our Mnás to shame”, said an obviously-tired-of-life, Cregan-Condon.  We’ll leave Ms. Sheehy and others to deal with him for that one.

“Phhwoaahhrrr, like Baywatch it were”, opined Daniel in agreement. “You don’t get that ’round the River Dearne, down Barnsley way”.

By way of proof of the inimitable beauty of these foreign visitors, these frolicking pictures have been posted online by the two happy men. No expense has been spared – clearly – in getting the best of camera gear and photographers to record the event.  You can see from the pictures that there seem to be people in them.

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Given that many people think it’s actually impossible to swim in Myrtleville without having your picture taken by a top-quality professional, it’s disappointing this momentous event –  which gave such pleasure to two men of a certain age – wasn’t captured better.

Fortunately, a bit of online searching found the profiles of the two young Polish ladies and their picture of Denny and Danny – or maybe it’s just how the two girls saw them.

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Looking forward to more pictures when the girls come back and also to seeing how Denis gets out of this one.

Economic recovery threatened by Myrtleville popularity

The Central Statistics Office (Leisure Division) have noted a marked decline in industrial output in the Munster region in their 2015 report.  Commenting on the report today, senior inspector, Dougal O’Hanlon stated that the trend had been accelerating since 2013 but had really effected the statistics in the last twelve months.  Predictions of further decreases in commercial activity are now built into the CSO Data Models for 2016.

“It’s down to those bloody swimmers”, Mr. O’Hanlon postulated. “Any day of the week, there’s gangs of them down in Myrtleville.  Do none of them do any work?”  He cited examples of dozens of fine fit specimens of humanity out gallivanting during the working day (and Denis Condon was there too). “Why aren’t they indoors, going pasty and contributing to the economy?  That’s what I want to know.”, Dougie continued.

Images taken during normal 9-5 workdays were produced to support his argument, with some samples below:

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

Work? Feck that – we’re going swimmin’.

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

Accusations of photoshopping to make the January scene look so tempting to those stuck in their offices were denied by Swimming Spokespersons.

“‘Tis indoors like the rest of us that crowd would want to be,” expanded Doug, as his real views came to the fore. “We’re feckin’ stuck, so why should they be out having the craic?  Twenty five of them were down there just yesterday – on a feckin’ Thursday!! Gangs more of them today – it’s just not on, not on at all, at all.  They’d want to be thinking about contributing to the economy, not enjoying themselves.”

“Get back to work de feckin’ lotta ye,” concluded The Dougmeister, as his presentation descended into chaos with a further diatribe of jealousy towards Myrtlevillians.

The Irish Fiscal Advisory Council have now been asked to intercede and rule that the exponential growth of swimmers in Myrtleville is damaging the green shoots of the economic recovery by showering them in salt water, which green shoots don’t like.

Tide-dependent swim schedule

I noticed that other swim locations – not as blessed as ours – are busy preparing their swim schedules for 2016.  These depend on whether the tide is in or out.  Of course in Myrtleville, The World’s No.1 Swimming Spot, we don’t have that problem.

However, I’d hate for our multitudes of swimmers to feel left out, so a committee was formed to deal with the issue. The Committee For Designing Spurious Scheduling Tools Which Are Not Required But We Want One Anyway (TCFDSSTWANRBWWOA) have – after extensive research – produced the following:

Myrtleville Swim Schedule Planner Ready-Reckoner
High/Low Swim Time
HT Insert any time you want here
LT Insert any time you want here
HT Insert any time you want here
LT Insert any time you want here

How to use this tool for swimming in Myrtleville:

Look at the weather and if it’s not too windy or otherwise dangerous – go swimming.

NOTE: This applies at High, Low, Halfway-In, Halfway-Out, Coming, Going, Spring, Neap, Full, Empty and all tides in between. Stay close to the shore and check the tide direction for any longer swims (Church Bay or Fountainstown) but there’s always plenty of water!

Hopefully that’s of use to all Myrtlevillians.

If for any reason you don’t feel like a swim at low tide, there’s an island down West you could go for a walk around 🙂

Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

Things you might see on lower tides in Myrtleville.

2.30 Swim Saturday, Jan 2 and Pine Lodge afterwards – 4.00.

Siobhan Russell’s Swim & Photo Diary of the Years’ Swims is always a great recap on the year and a highlight for all swimmers.  She’s premiering the 2015 diary in the Pine Lodge in Myrtleville tomorrow, Saturday, 2nd January at 4.00 pm.

Swim beforehand at 2.30 PM, then Pine Lodge Bar at 4 pm.

Krystals Munchie Van will be there and ready to serve food from 4 pm onwards (pizza, burgers, wraps, chips etc).

All more than welcome to come along – please do if you can: the forecast is good too!!

Vampire Swim, Open water, sea swimming in Cork, Ireland.

Just one of Siobhan’s great pictures from the year.