Former Sandycove swimmer and now committed Myrtlevillian, Gordon Adair, had a tough time recently when he tried to go back for a swim around the Island down West.  He was met by some of the Desperados – Mister and The Bull.  For them, you’re in or you’re out – and after breaking bread (or eating cake) in Myrtleville so regularly, they told Gordon – you’re out.

The confrontation was witnessed by a local songsmith and he composed these words to commemorate the events.  I’m not sure of the tune – or even if it has one – but there’s definitely a John Spillane vibe to it (tuneless, in other words).

” Oh listen now and you shall hear of the trying times of Gordon Adair.

A Sandycove swimmer he thought that he was, until he met Breda and Marie and Ros.

They not only swam, but often they’d bake and Gordon Adair is a fiend for a cake.

He found himself often on Myrtleville’s shore – not lapping around Sandycove any more.

For breakfast he went and he loved the crack. As time it slipped by – would he ever go back?

“Sure no-one will notice and why should they care?  I’ll be alright”, hoped Gordon Adair.

Oh now he was in for a mighty big land, for some Sandycove Swimmers his downfall had planned.

He left it a long time but then realised, he’d better go lapping or be criticised.

To the Island went Gordon to lap it in full, but waiting there for him – Mister and the Bull.

“We’ve seen you on FaceBook, you Myrtlevillian.  You sold out the Island for brownies and flan.”

“You’re swimming there daily you traitor, Adair.  You’ve even had one of those Hats on your hair.”

“You’re not swimming round here”, said they with a sneer – “But”, said poor Gordon, “I’m doing Windermere”.

“Ha,” says the Bull, “sure that’s only a Lake. You won’t need to train here – go back to your cake”.

Gordon Adair tried again to get in, but his hundred-lap hat, they put in the bin.

They did it to Gordon a lesson to teach.  “Feck that”, says our hero, “I’m off to the Beach”.

To Myrtleville’s sands he pointed his way, hoping that this was a chocolate cake day.

So here ends the story of Gordon’s ordeal.  He was badly treated, I’m sure we all feel.

But never fear people, the tide will go out and those desperados – he’ll see them about.

They’ll want to come swimming at our lovely beach and Gordon will charge them in tarts, made of peach.”

Gordon – overdoing the cake?

They feed him…..

…..and they wipe his face. Why would he go anywhere else?

….they seek him there.  Having taken Christmas off from fighting crime, local officers finally came to put the long arm of the law on Denis Cregan-Condon.  They’ll need to get longer arms if they’re going to catch that slippery character.  A passerby snatched these photos of the master of crime sneaking out his surplus stock, while the sheriffs searched in vain for the cowboy in the sand.

Cregan-Condon: stock sneaking.

Spotting the camera, the conman laughed shamelessly as he scarpered.

Cregan-Condon: Shameless Scarper Snickering.

How long can he remain at large, while taunting the authorities and flaunting his wealth with a new DryRobe for every day of the week?  Somehow, he always seems to be one step ahead.

The Harris Shower company – how does Cregan-Condon always seems to know their plans?

Remember, get your tip-offs in to iwannaswimwithmrfinbarr@gmail.com.

BREAKING NEWS: Justice has been served!   The Australian Federal Police today raided the New South Wales HQ of the Cregan-Condon crime family and arrested Daniel Cregan-Condon.

The playboy junior crime boss was just too blatant in flaunting his wealth from the Shower in a Can scam and ostentatiously wearing emerald-encrusted green Santa hats, while smoking cigars.  The brave Boys in Shades were acting on information received from reputable sources (they read myrtlevilleswimmers.com regularly).

Daniel Cregan-Condon in shock as the AFP raid the gaff.

Daniel Cregan-Condon’s Perp Walk.

Charges are pending in Australia and an extradition request from Ireland is expected(specifically, from down near Kinsale).  Contacted by this column, Lady Lala, the Harris Shower legal representative, commented, “While it was sad to see anyone jailed at this time of year, I feel sure Daniel Cregan-Condon will still get a Christmas dinner.  If not, let him eat cake”.

However – shockingly – rumours have already surfaced about plans by the Cregan-Condons to move their base of operations to Southern France.  With the head of the Clan, Denis Cregan-Condon still at large, who knows what the future holds for their international operations.

Another anonymous tip-off was received by this column overnight.   Proving that there should be no rest for the wicked, the Harris Shower family is fighting back and issued a Cease and Desist notice against the Cregan-Condon Clan – just in time for Christmas. A copy of the notice can be viewed here: Cease and Desist notice .

The Harris family felt they had to act when this shocking image of Daniel Cregan-Condon emerged online – flaunting his ill-gotten gains and playboy lifestyle.  Apparently that poor kid only got a jar of Marmite for all his work.

Daniel Cregan-Condon – a chip off the old block at sitting back: just like his Dad.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Denis Cregan-Condon continued to party like it’s 1999 (actually $19.95 on special offer for Christmas – a very good deal, I have to say).

Cregan-Condon : 1999 partying.

We will follow further developments with interest. Surely the authorities must be seen to act soon against this blatant profiting from criminality.

While others enjoyed the weekend festivities at the Turkey Swims, this correspondent was working tirelessly on what will come as a massive shock to all believers in the spirit of Christmas.

Denis Cregan-Condon (AKA The Con Don) has been on a charm offensive since completing his Community Service for his Harris Shower rip-off.  During the Service hours, he produced feel-good videos to work his way back in to decent OWS society.  Many felt he had done enough and had paid his dues to the community.  He began to be accepted back – on the fringes – of group gatherings.

Cregan-Condon edging his way back in to OW society….

Today, EXCLUSIVELY, this correspondent can reveal the charm offensive was a front for a breathtaking scam being rolled out in Australia.  An anonymous tip-off led to this Infomercial, currently taking the Christmas gift market in Australia by storm.  Watch and weep, readers….

Investigations have uncovered that the company behind this heinous crime is LMFAO Pty. Ltd registered at Redhead Beach, Newcastle, NSW (yes, Joleen, that is a real place) where the Infomercial was filmed.  The man behind the company is……..DANIEL CREGAN-CONDON, son of Denis and heir to the empire!!   By simply changing the Purification Pourer name to “Condon Shower in a Can”, they planned to bypass licencing and royalty laws and pocket the filthy lucre themselves.

Neither Cregan-Condon was contactable as we went to press.  The Harris Shower company said the matter was now with their legal team and they would not comment further.

The Harris Shower – no comment from their people.

One man’s greed – assisted by his family – to control the world market for portable Open Water Swimming showers has been laid bare.  This story isn’t over – we are on the Cregan-Condon trail and justice will be served!