Disturbing rumours have reached Myrtleville of the emergence of a shadowy cult practicing black arts in “freshwater” camps.  Original correspondence indicated the location could be North Korea, but we now believe it is more likely to be North Cork.

The motives of the organisers and active recruiters for the camps is unclear, but their targeting of Myrtleville to seek recruits is clearly due to our international fame as the best swim location in the world (unimpeachable source: B. Lynch).  Their motives, however, must certainly contain some sadistic tendencies.   Sadism is really the only explanation for why anyone would willingly exchange this…..

Myrtleville – where God intended people to swim.

For this…..

North Korea/Cork – where God knows why anyone would swim.

For the public good, trusted envoys were dispatched to the secret location to attempt to capture images of the unimaginable activities being engaged in and to warn unsuspecting swimmers from being lured to the dark side.

Undercover agent at the secret location. Practically invisible.

Clear images were difficult to procure as the subjects took flight, splashing wildly to avoid the lens.

A particularly fast disciple escapes the attentions of our intrepid investigators.  Referred to as “Fish”, rumours indicate he was returning to the scene after a protracted absence.

One of the ringleaders was snapped from a distance.  The Klan-esque hooded cloak was a particularly disturbing image noted at the camp. Referred to by disciples as DonCon, camp followers say he is rarely seen without his bucket.

The most disturbing image from the reconnaissance was of the cruel treatment meted out to our own unsuspecting Anne Sheehy.   Anne was tricked into attending the camp by formerly trusted acquaintances who had been brainwashed by the cult.  She was pilloried for wearing The Hat and forced to do underwater jumping jacks in the black, salt-free substance known in the camp terminology as “fresh water”.So – a warning.  Be careful who you listen to and trust when you’re at the beach.  They’re amongst us – plotting, planning, trying to cull unsuspecting swimmers and lure them to the camps to feed their numbers. They’re scheming up competing events to our own “world’s greatest swim” (source, again, B. Lynch) – the RNLI swim.  They’ll use seemingly innocuous words like “fresh” water to lure you in – their plausible patter is designed to make you forget that “freshwater” is, like “pool”, a synonym for “THE GATES OF HELL!!!!!”  Don’t be fooled.

Be Warned!  Be Vigilant!  Together, we can defeat this evil cult.   Viva Myrtleville!!