Category Archives: Information

Search & Rescue Dogs Deployed In A Bid To Locate 6pm Swimmers

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News just in from Glen Barton….

As you kindly made us all aware last week that last night would host the first of the 6pm swims of 2018. But little did we three think that we would have the Myrtleville bath to ourselves and parking restrictions were non-existent. Yes three lonesome souls kick-started the 6pm swims of 2018.


It’s just a pity that the other 4997 Myrtleville Swimmers (non-club) Fair-weather Sailors missed out on such a magical evening of sub-surface song & dance.

After the event, it was decided to deploy a Search & Rescue Dog named ‘Dante’ (a crackin lookin fella by the way) who was fortunate enough to be on a training exercise in the area with his handler Joanne Horgan, in a bid to locate the missing 4997 so-called swimmers.

But efforts were delayed as the dog team had to locate their ‘missing person’ of the training exercise first. Not naming names or anything but if Dodger Ramsell didn’t decide to hide 170 feet up a vertical cliff face off Fennell’s Bay, then some of the swimmers may have been reunited with their loved ones in a more timely fashion.

The search was stood-down at nightfall, and will resume at first light tomorrow morning with 136 more Search Dogs being drafted in from all parts of the world, the assistance of the Coastguard Rescue Helicopter 117, various Maritime Search & Rescue agencies, along with some feen called Condon that’s supposed to have superior local knowledge of the area.

Our efforts will continue until 17:59 on Monday 3rd Apr, at which time you will find us back in the Myrtleville bath. All are welcome.

Glen Barton 🙂

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

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Here’s hoping your day is going well.  However it is going, it’s got to be better than poor Mike Harris’ morning.  After a beautiful swim in Myrtleville (sure where else would he be?) Mr. Harris was subjected to checking if someone needed a shower before being allowed into the sea.  No sign of the Lynx effect, chez Lynch.  Feck sake, there’s a special offer on deodorant in Centra Crosshaven.  Does he not know that?

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everyone.  Good luck to Nemo and Ireland!

Notification of suspension

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The Committee Of Leading Dignitaries Who Initiate Necessary Decisions  (C.O.L.D. W.I.N.D.) have met in closed session and are happy enough regret to announce that Denis Condon has been suspended from having a presence on the beach for one week.  (He still has to go down and clean off the shower area as part of his community service, though.  He has to stay on the concrete bit.  Watch him – make sure he does.)

The decision on this suspension has not been taken lightly but the weather has been shocking and somebody has to be responsible.  Mr. Condon is that person.

Ranting on the suspension, the Committee Chairperson said: 

“For feck sake, Denis, stop putting up on Facebook about beastie easties and lack of sand and all that crap.  Say nothing and the waves won’t be there.  The snow was bad enough but we left you off that one.  You’re just tearing the ass out of it now with this latest carry-on.”

This “say-nothing” approach has, of course, been scientifically proven to work. 

The Chairperson continued less rantingly:

“We look forward to welcoming Mr. Condon back to the beach and among the throngs of Myrtleville Swimmers, once he’s copped on about all this bad weather talk.”

By Order  —  C.O.L.D. W.I.N.D.

Mr. Denis Condon.   Completely to blame for the bad weather.

Sandycove Fundraiser – please support

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As an extension of our #supporttheweakercounties initiative to try to keep swimming alive down West, we noted that our SISC friends are now resorting to promotion of money laundering activities – presumably to defray costs of goat feed etc.  

This email was received from Swim Sandycove’s google group email –

Once again, we earnestly exhort all Myrtlevillians to spare a thought for our less fortunate near-neighbours (the few of them that are left) and consider a swim near d’Island to keep up the pretence it’s a popular swimming venue.  While you’re there, see if there’s a poor box that you could slip a few quid into so they can abandon this money-laundering plan.  It’s not one of their better ones.

With the commitment of just a tiny percentage of the hundreds and hundreds (and hundreds) of Myrtleville Swimmers, we can help out these poor few unfortunates. 

 #supporttheweakercounties       #feedthegoats

Snow Swimming

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As soon as Leo said it was safe to go outside again but not drive far, serious swimmers were back in training wherever possible.  Snow Swimming. Ready to dive.

Excellent dive.  Really.  Never seen better in this venue.

A few stroke issues to be ironed out here, perhaps.

Flying now.  Really had to work to get the rhythm right.  It’s a bit different to the sea.

Munster Open Water Calendar 2018

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With many thanks to Carol Cashell for her ongoing hard work, here’s a link to the “final” version of the Calendar for 2018.  I say “final” as Carol will update monthly as changes arise! Her work never ends…

SEE UPDATED VERSION HERE:

Munster_Open_Water_Event_Calendar_V2_April2018

Of course you must first enter that great event on July 3rd, then consider some other options 🙂

New 2 & 1/2 Dutchman Laps Award Announcement

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As the home of swimming in Cork, Myrtleville is rightly seen as a leader in all areas of right-thinking-swimmy-stuff.  As part of our leadership role, the proliferation of “lap achievement” awards from smaller, more Westerly swimming groups (if three people on a good day counts as a group) has been noted.  Hats and T-Shirts abound for any-old-number-you-fancy-yourself, down West. 

In a carefully considered response, the Committee Of Nominations Around Really Tough Individual Swimmy Thing Stuff (work out that acronym for yourself) have today announced what is sure to become the pre-eminent, sought-after award for all aspiring sea swimmers, The Goat-Free Myrtleville Marathoner 2 & 1/2 Dutchman Laps Award.

Guideline map of Two and a half a laps with clear numbering system.

While other “awards” are handed out like confetti to anyone who picks a number of laps out of a hat (and then puts that number on a hat), our criteria are different (now there’s a surprise), transparent and are – in fact – the most tremendous criteria ever for an award system.

The numbering system shown above – as provided by Mr. James Shalloo – to determine how many half laps (#goat-free) have been achieved follows a sequential process in iterations of one from the first to the third in relevant marker points, each of which marks a point on which one of the sequential numbers is marked.  How clear is that?

If you’re still in doubt, here’s a clearer picture of a lap around the Dutchman to give you guidance.  Note lack of goats and the precise angles of turns required for lap measurement.  On this point, please note that submission of Strava data to verify laps is strictly forbidden.  It is understood from sources at the North Corkorea Camps that this data is being used to track the vast volumes of swimmers in Myrtleville, as a pre-cursor to further attempts to lure them away to the “fresh” water.

The Award will be overseen by internationally-renowned marathon swimming coach, Eilis Burns, who is herself one of the first proud recipients. Ms. Burns rightly attributes her international success in Spain a few years back to her annual dip in Myrtleville.  Ms. Burns will be supervising training plans and ensuring that all aspiring swimmers are fully prepared for this challenge.  She is pictured here at the Announcement of the Award and Inaugural Recipients.

As ever, Viva Myrtleville!

Dansformation Update

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Denis was delighted with the response to his call for support for Daniel.  He mentioned that Caitriona (otherwise known as the Inspector of Weights and Measures) was already seeing results.  Keep up the cheerleading, everyone.

Of course, this type of endeavour is fraught with difficulty and temptations.  Everywhere you turn, people are saying “sure a biscuit would do you no harm….” or “you’ll have a few chips with that, go on, go on…”.  Beware, Daniel, underminers are everywhere.  Look at this one, for example – Jess the Temptress….

Stay strong, Daniel.  You have your supporters.  B.A. Richardson, says she’ll lamp anyone who gets in the way of your goals.   B.A. Baracus wouldn’t stand a chance.

It was also great to see that Daniel recognises everyone could do with a little help in defying the march of time.  He’s slathering on the Ageless Beauty Lotion (“designed for the sensitive man”) to complement his reductional measurement programme. 

What an inspiration to his followers everywhere.  (Does anyone in Barnsley read this stuff – I wonder what they’d think?). I reckon there’s a media career in the offing here.  Maybe a column in The Carrigdhoun – “Ask Daniel – How to Improve your Life, the Barnsley Way”.  Siobhan might get him in there – she’s huge in all those media circles..  #GODANIEL

Operation Dansformation

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Denis Condon has been in touch to say he’s disappointed with the level of support being offered to our resettled Barnsleyian, Daniel Swagrzyk.

Daniel – Denis says – has been given his New Year’s resolution by Cáitriona  made a decision to alter his body shape in a reductional fashion. Despite his acknowledged ability to walk on water, even Daniel can be improved, apparently.  Denis mentioned “two stone, or he’s out – that’s what I heard” – but surely that can’t be true.

Denis is putting the call out for more vocal exhortations to support Daniel in his efforts.  He suggests encouraging Daniel with shouts of “Get on dat bike and up dat hill, ya fecker” whenever we meet him.

Rest assured, Daniel, your fellow Myrtlevillians are right behind you in your campaign.  With Denis reminding us daily, we’ll be shouting you on and looking forward to the day when we can have a massive BBQ – with cakes to celebrate your success.  Just a salad for you though, Denis said.

Grab a “bargain” over on eBay

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It’s that time of year when eBay handles the disposal of mountains of unwanted crap handed over as Christmas gifts.  To highlight one listing – the “seller” is offering to pay anyone who’ll come and take away an item that mysteriously landed in his wife’s present pile.  It’s hideous – even the dog isn’t happy to have it as bedding.  What a load of goat shite.

Goats????? Get it off me!!!

Goats????? Get it off me!!!  Call the CSPCA!!!