Paul Ramsell posted a question on the Facebook group recently regarding drinks and feeds during long swims.  He got some great responses from experienced swimmers covering all kinds of 5:4:1, Lo4 and Hi5 mixes, 45 minute intervals, preparatory porridge packing, hot water etc.  Everything he could want to know.  Except the truth. 

The truth is the top swimmers don’t like to share the secrets of their success.  They’ll spout about carbs and protein, but they’re really powering themselves on 5.1% malt and yeast.  Occasionally one of them will let their guard down and us lesser mortals will get a glimpse of how they’re really able to perform at the level they do.

Like this morning, when Bernie Lynch was overtired from powerwashing his garden and didn’t think to keep a towel over his nutritional stash.  He just threw a pair of jocks on the box.  Peroni.  That’s his secret.  That’s what makes him so successful.  Others have their own preferred brand but it’s clearly all down to their chosen drink.

A tired B. Lynch looking a bit confused as to why his picture was being taken.

OOOPs. The moment when he realises the secret is out.

So now you know, Mr. Ramsell.  Plenty of time to make a stop at some off-licences nutritional supply centres on the way up the country to Carlingford today.  Just a word of warning – overexposure to your chosen power supply can lead to meltdown.

Bernard after a bit of a day out from Dover, August 2016.

Denis was delighted with the response to his call for support for Daniel.  He mentioned that Caitriona (otherwise known as the Inspector of Weights and Measures) was already seeing results.  Keep up the cheerleading, everyone.

Of course, this type of endeavour is fraught with difficulty and temptations.  Everywhere you turn, people are saying “sure a biscuit would do you no harm….” or “you’ll have a few chips with that, go on, go on…”.  Beware, Daniel, underminers are everywhere.  Look at this one, for example – Jess the Temptress….

Stay strong, Daniel.  You have your supporters.  B.A. Richardson, says she’ll lamp anyone who gets in the way of your goals.   B.A. Baracus wouldn’t stand a chance.

It was also great to see that Daniel recognises everyone could do with a little help in defying the march of time.  He’s slathering on the Ageless Beauty Lotion (“designed for the sensitive man”) to complement his reductional measurement programme. 

What an inspiration to his followers everywhere.  (Does anyone in Barnsley read this stuff – I wonder what they’d think?). I reckon there’s a media career in the offing here.  Maybe a column in The Carrigdhoun – “Ask Daniel – How to Improve your Life, the Barnsley Way”.  Siobhan might get him in there – she’s huge in all those media circles..  #GODANIEL

Denis Condon has been in touch to say he’s disappointed with the level of support being offered to our resettled Barnsleyian, Daniel Swagrzyk.

Daniel – Denis says – has been given his New Year’s resolution by Cáitriona  made a decision to alter his body shape in a reductional fashion. Despite his acknowledged ability to walk on water, even Daniel can be improved, apparently.  Denis mentioned “two stone, or he’s out – that’s what I heard” – but surely that can’t be true.

Denis is putting the call out for more vocal exhortations to support Daniel in his efforts.  He suggests encouraging Daniel with shouts of “Get on dat bike and up dat hill, ya fecker” whenever we meet him.

Rest assured, Daniel, your fellow Myrtlevillians are right behind you in your campaign.  With Denis reminding us daily, we’ll be shouting you on and looking forward to the day when we can have a massive BBQ – with cakes to celebrate your success.  Just a salad for you though, Denis said.