Anyone for the last few choc ices?

It had to come. With more people going to Myrtleville for a daily swim than you’d see at some inter-county matches, the hawkers were bound to turn up. “Hats, flags, scarves and headbands!! Quality here!! Last few choc ices!!”. We’re all used to it in Thurles etc., it was only a matter of time before they followed the crowds. They’re fierce adaptable too, the hawkers. They suss out the market and have the right gear to sell.

Casual traders, as they’re officially known. Under the Casual Trading Act 1995, a casual trading licence is a requirement to sell goods on the public road. It is an offence under this Act to trade without a valid casual trading licence.

Can ye see it? The loophole? The giant gap that Del Girl Staunton has leapt through? “…..public ROAD”. “Oh no, Guard, of course we’re not selling goods on the road. We’re on the beach.” “T-SHIRTS!!! GET YER T-SHIRTS!!! QUALITY HERE!!”

FFS, you can’t get down the steps without either being accosted about which colour you want, or having to wait for another photo-shoot of victims making the most of their purchases – or at least checking that what’s in the bag is what they wanted. Don’t be thinking you can bring it back if it’s wrong. As John Sullivan sang in the OFAH theme, “No income tax, no VAT, no money back, no guarantee.”

Some poor fellas thought they were getting their normal sizing (XXL) but wound up showing off their curves a bit more than expected, like. I mean, there’s no way this is XXL, is there? Definitely counterfeit size tagging going on here. (Note: image obfuscated to protect the identity of the victim, who is liaising with Gardai. Also, to hide the fact that it’s Bernard).

Don’t be encouraging this activity at the beach. Down with the hawkers. Watch what you buy! (Is my ink blue one ready, by the way, Siobhan?).

Beware the Siren Call – The Return (or The Revenge, more like it)

After the visit from Daithi last week, I was sure I was on for a scriptwriter job on the all-new Today with Daithi and Bernie Show, starring our own Bernie Lynch. Unfortunately, it now seems Harry Casey has got in there ahead of me and is writing Rom-Com dramas. His first script is below (published on some misspelled version of this venerable site and – let’s be honest – with a fair bit of plagiarism) and it’s worthy of a reprint here. Fame. At last.

From Harry “watch your back” Casey:

It seemed almost too good to be true. A brave, lone Myrtlevillian embarks on a quest to commune with fame and meets many obstacles in his way, namely some Magnificent Mermaids and Mermen – AKA the other Myrtleville swimmers rudely barging into his photos with Kerry’s finest export (aside from the butter and the horse who went to France). With these images beamed around the world (it’ll be on RTE anyway), Damian O’Neill has been inundated with offers from Hollywood for a film about his experience. The project – with the working title “Swims with Daithí” (like Costner in that wolf thingie years ago) – is being cast (Clint Eastwood is on to play Damian, apparently, but Damian reckons he’s not macho enough) and we hear plans are in place to engage Peter Foott with his local knowledge of filming on the beach for the Young Offenders.

Being the cute hoor that Damian is – in case the movie doesn’t work out – he has trademarked the images below and has plans to set up a stall selling t-shirts and mugs with pictures of said rare images, outside of Bernie’s Siopa in the village on Saturday morning.

So, Damian – enjoy it while it lasts, but keep the day job. This one might go down the tubes yet. You can’t trust those fillum fellas.

*Any similarities between this article and any previously published articles by another author are purely coincidental.

**This article is absolutely not being published in retaliation

Help wanted for new swimmers evening – May 31st at 6.45pm

May 31st, 6.45 pm: Weather permitting, Eilis Burns will be bringing a group of new open water swimmers to Myrtleville on Tuesday, May 31st at 18:45.

Any of the regular Myrtleville swimmers who can be around that evening to give any help would be appreciated. We need strong swimmers used to the sea to join the group for the swim and watch out for anyone who needs some support.  Also, any kayakers or SUPs available would be very welcome.

Please come down if you can. Remember what your own first swim was like and help out.

Some of the new swimmers on another evening – 2014.

Entrepreneurs never miss a promotional opportunity

Daithí O Sé from RTE’s Today show came for a dip in Myrtleville this morning. His Sherpa for the adventure was our own Benard (yes, that Bernard – Bernard Bernard, like) but an issue was noted before filming commenced. Bernard was wearing a hat from his English Channel swim with a prominent logo of a business with which he is associated (Centra, like, as ye all know). No free advertising, says the RTE lady. No bother, says Bernie, and off comes the hat. No need for any hassle. Don’t want to ruin the beautiful morning.

Then along comes Jim. No way he was missing out on free advertising for his new venture. N.F.W. Into the picture struts Jim – click, click: priceless. He was saying orders were slow on the phone line. This will boost things no end. 1800-JIMBUOYS.

Jim Buoys now for sale to the general public

Swim buoys or swim / tow floats are an essential piece of safety equipment for Open Water Swimmers – but how safe are they in reality? How robust? Would they really keep you afloat in a crisis? These doubts, which have assailed many swimmers, can now be assuaged by using the new-to-the-market, flotation-guaranteed, Jim Buoy (TM – Patent Pending).

Developed using all his Naval skills by Lieutenant Commander (Ret’d) James Shalloo, the Jim Buoy is made of fierce tough plasticy stuff and with a rope on it that’d hold a bull in field of heifers. You’re safe as houses with one of these lads on ya.

C’mdr Shalloo with the Model X Jim Buoy – now on the market for all safety-conscious swimmers

To order, contact Jim directly on 1800-JIMBUOYS. He’s waiting to take your call.

What about De Buoys?

Just to make everyone aware…..most of you will have seen our buoys have taken a battering over the last two years – especially those further out. Work is under way to replace and repair the damage our storms have caused. Four broke from its mooring and was unfortunately holed by the Dutchman on its way to land at Fennell’s Bay. We’re looking into a temporary repair on that. Five is either dieting or sucking it in, but is definitely showing signs of distress – and thinning.

We are very pleased to say that Cork County Council have agreed to fund the purchase of two new buoys to replace Four and Five. We will then see if Five can be repaired and kept as a spare. The lead time on the new buoys was six to twelve weeks. We ordered two weeks ago, so hopefully June at the latest.

The rope on Three has frayed to three strands (from four). This was tied up by Marcus and Dave this morning and we are looking at a temporary fix on that until Marc Lake has his boat back in the water in April to do a full service on all buoys.

Thanks again to Cork County Council for their ongoing support. Keep swimming – safely.

Bernard & Damian

Early update on swim conditions for June 16th

It’s heartening to see such an interest in this year’s RNLI Myrtleville to Church Bay swim, with half the available places already booked. Training plans are being put in place and important questions are being asked.

Perhaps the most important and urgent question received thus far came from one potential entrant who wanted to know if we could be sure there wouldn’t be any jellyfish upsetting her karma for the swim. To be fair, this particular swimmer has considerable form in the jellyfish-avoidance arena. She once got out at the slip in Fountainstown and walked back to Myrtleville in preference to facing the – admittedly – considerable volumes of jellies she met in the earlier part of her 8km swim. If I remember correctly, she went to Dino’s on the way home. You’d be hungry after dodging jellies, like.

We have been in contact with the relevant jellyfish experts, consulted meteorologists and astrologists, read the runes and can categorically state that there is no scheduled influx of jellies of which we are aware on June 16th. Defo not. Hope that helps.

Obviously all questions posed are on condition of anonymity, so we won’t be revealing who the jelly-phobic swimmer is.

Completely unrelated – here’s a nice picture of Claire Canning. How’re ya, Claire? No jellies in the Ganges, I’d say.

The Hat with Claire Canning in the Ganges. Look at the local version of Siobhan Russell just behind her!