Things have got ridiculous. There were over 100 swimmers last Saturday and much the same on Sunday. In October. FFS.
I can can hardly get parking It has become much harder to gain access to the beach and people keep getting in my way in the sea there are safety issues about so many people in the water at the same time. There are just too many swimmers in Myrtleville at this stage. Through #supporttheweakercounties, we’ve tried encouraging people to move to the West, where there are wide open empty, grey islands. No takers. Hardly suprising, but it was worth a try.
It hasn’t been an easy decision but we are left with no option. Following a special EGM of The Committee for Appraising Stuff Holistically Concerning Open Water Swimming (The CASHCOWS), we’re going to start charging for use of the beach. That might cut down on the numbers, or at least give us some dosh to go off out foreign for a break from the crowds.
The Committee have created a number of packages to give choices to users queuing to pony up for the privilege (and it is a feckin’ privilege) to swim in Myrtleville. Note that the dirty word “Membership” has not been mentioned at any stage – there’s no club here. You’re just paying for the privilege of access to the beach, the ambience, street cred etc. The CASHCOWS will mind the money. Don’t worry about that.
To ensure fair pricing, guidance was received from Mr. F. Murphy c/o Pairc Ui Chaoimh. Mr. Murphy is a noted expert in setting pricing at levels requiring finance to afford them. All the Credit Unions are lending, by the way.
The Privilege Packages are as follows and each comes with its own host at the beach.
The Condon Classic Privilege Package – €5,000 PA. Five year tickets available for €20k.
This is the ideal level for the daily dipper who wants to spend up to 18 hours a day at the beach. Condon Classic ticket holders will be guaranteed a bench seat (as long as there’s room – no guarantees, like) and can loiter at the beach all day, being fed by other swimmers. There may be some swimming done, but mostly it’s about the social scene, cakes and chatting. Your host, Bishop Denis, will be on hand for spiritual guidance, while you’re cooking his rashers.
The Lobster Executive Privilege Package – €7,500 PA. Five year tickets available for €30,000.
This is an enhanced version of the Condon Classic, involving fresh lobster meals (when available) provided by your host, Bernie Lynch (Note: no actual lobsters have been harmed in any way during the lobster hunting season so far, so don’t be too hungry when you arrive). This is perfect if you’re into long swims exploring from Church Bay to Fountainstown and beyond. Bernard will show you caves, rocks and shaley beaches you didn’t even know existed – even though you’re swimming past them every day.
The Anonymous Privilege Package – €10,000PA – no cash trail. €45k five-year option available.
This one took a lot of deliberations by the Committee, but we had to recognise and confront the issue head on. Part of the problem with the numbers in Myrtleville is all of the “Sandycove” swimmers who just happen to spend all of their time in Myrtleville – bar the odd trip West for show, or if there’s something on down there. Very rarely, in other words. We don’t subscribe to name and shame tactics so we’ll keep your names quiet, once you pay up. Or, of course, if you prefer, there’s always de upliftingly-coloured grey island to go to. No? Thought not. Sign here.
Anonymous package purchasers will receive a bonus DVD on signing, with classic tracks like Grey Day by Madness, Fade to Grey by Visage and films like The men who stare at Goats.
Hat-wearing, non-swimming Privilege Package – €1,500 PA.
This package is perfect for former swimmers who like to flaunt their Myrtleville hats and towels on holiday, but haven’t turned up for a swim in ages. James Slowey, Harry Casey – you know de lads. This package confers the privilege to retain their gear but have no actual swimming rights.
This is the only level without a longer term option, as it’s hoped that purchasers will cop on and get back swimming – at full package rates, bien sûr.
Privilege Packages are available from Lynch’s Centra Crosshaven from November 1st. The Credit Union is just next door, handily enough.
Financial Advisors will attend this weekend’s Vampire Swim for guidance on loan options.